To Be or Not To Be?

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?
To die: to sleep;No more;
and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to,
'tis a consummationDevoutly to be wish'd.
To die, to sleep;To sleep: perchance to dream:
ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause
To be, or not to be, that is the question.

This Shakespearian theme has been running through my journal now for quite some time, and I have struggled to wrap my mind around it. Ironically, just as I cannot place my finger upon what it is I am debating whether or not to be or not to be, Hamlet seems to mix the two up quite royally as well. Debate remains as to whether or not one should see this as a contemplation between "life vs. death" or "action vs. no action" and is action choosing life or choosing death? Ay, there's the rub!

As I stand here at the brink of the dark cave of my past, feeling the subtle pull to return to the comfort of familiarity, I am at the same time feeling seduced by the blinding light. To be, or not to be, I ask myself, to embrace the light or retreat back into the dark cave of my former existence?

Today, I realized that the question is whether or not to be vulnerable, choosing to fully embrace the uncertainty of life in its fullness, or not to be, choosing, instead, to hide in false security, numb, guarded and methodical believing somehow I can protect my heart from ever breaking again. Both choices promise both life and death, and there in lies the rub!

I can choose the cave in which I can provide protection and a sense of security, whether it be just an illusion or not, and live a life that, though free of heartbreak and tragedy, also is not lived in fullness, more closely representing death than life. As T.S. Eliot so pointedly asked, "Where is the life we have lost in living?" Or, I can choose to step into the uncertainty, promised instability of the light. Knowing that the light will surely kill me. Yet, is there truth in "He who wishes to gain his life, must lose it"? Can I live life to the fullest without embracing the full spectrum off heaven and hell in each moment as it comes?

Well, I want to announce to the world, and perhaps in so doing, I will find the courage necessary to take that first step into the light, that I choose to live a life that may lead to death, rather than live a life that more closely resembles death than the life I was created to live. I choose to embrace the light, to walk in the fullness of uncertainty, recognizing that in this place I will experience higher highs and lower lows, heartbreak and ecstasy, disappointment and unexpected pleasure. I will live life, instead of retreating to an illusion of safety and numbness and waiting for life to pass me by.

The Promise of Uncertainty

The Promise of Uncertainty

Light…
The brightness of the sun blinds my eyes.
As it invades my world of perpetual darkness and despair.
Darkness…
Quickly, I reach my hand up, shielding my eyes from the light.
After all, there is comfort, familiarity in the shadows of the past.
Waiting…
I have stayed here in the dark cave of my mind for so long.
Waiting for things to change, waiting for peace to come.
Warmth…
The heat from the sun’s rays slowly begins to entice me,
Seducing me to leave the darkness and embrace the light.
After all, nothing within the cave has changed.
Peace forever eludes me.
Fear constantly consumes me.
In the sudden warmth from the sun
I realize that I’ve been cold for so long
Everything within me has gone completely numb.
Cautiously…
I allow the light to slip between the cracks in my fingers.
Its promise of life and warmth draw me out of the shadows.

But Wait!

What if the light is only an illusion?
What if it leads to yet another deception?
What if it leaves my hope deferred and my heart sick with grief?
I stand here waiting, wondering, debating.
Hope beckons, but the light blinds my eyes to where it leads.
Darkness pulls at the broken chains around my ankles
Whispering promises of security, certainty in the emptiness of the familiar.
I must decide…
Can I leave behind all I have fought so hard to preserve in this damp, dark, godforsaken cave?
Can I risk it all for the promise, the hope of something real?
Is there really a healing presence of light within?
Or, will fear once again consume me

and

send me running back into the shadows of my past?