The Promise of Uncertainty

The Promise of Uncertainty

Light…
The brightness of the sun blinds my eyes.
As it invades my world of perpetual darkness and despair.
Darkness…
Quickly, I reach my hand up, shielding my eyes from the light.
After all, there is comfort, familiarity in the shadows of the past.
Waiting…
I have stayed here in the dark cave of my mind for so long.
Waiting for things to change, waiting for peace to come.
Warmth…
The heat from the sun’s rays slowly begins to entice me,
Seducing me to leave the darkness and embrace the light.
After all, nothing within the cave has changed.
Peace forever eludes me.
Fear constantly consumes me.
In the sudden warmth from the sun
I realize that I’ve been cold for so long
Everything within me has gone completely numb.
Cautiously…
I allow the light to slip between the cracks in my fingers.
Its promise of life and warmth draw me out of the shadows.

But Wait!

What if the light is only an illusion?
What if it leads to yet another deception?
What if it leaves my hope deferred and my heart sick with grief?
I stand here waiting, wondering, debating.
Hope beckons, but the light blinds my eyes to where it leads.
Darkness pulls at the broken chains around my ankles
Whispering promises of security, certainty in the emptiness of the familiar.
I must decide…
Can I leave behind all I have fought so hard to preserve in this damp, dark, godforsaken cave?
Can I risk it all for the promise, the hope of something real?
Is there really a healing presence of light within?
Or, will fear once again consume me

and

send me running back into the shadows of my past?

The Dark Cave of May

May is not my favorite month. I got married five years ago in May. Two years ago in May, I left my life with my husband (not realizing that I would never be returning). And, One year ago in May, my divorce was finalized. Yes, May is quite the 'dark cave'. It is a reminder of both failure and grace, disappointment and joy, bondage and freedom, death and life.

Facing the memories
Walking down this hallway of hell
Wondering which doorway
Allured me
And dragged me down
Down into the path of disillusionment
A place of shattered dreams
Hope deferred and heart sick
Crying a river of tears
Mascara running down my cheek
Thankful that the floodgates have finally opened
Drowning in the harsh reality
of dreams that I will never see
Wondering if it weren’t for me, maybe it all could be
Brushing every hair with a fine tooth comb
Thinking I will find the knot where we got caught
Holding fast to what should have been,
But knowing now it never will be again.
Facing the demons
Seeing them lurking in the shadows
Waiting for that moment
Too tired to fight
They leap into sight
Pulling me down, down, down
Spiraling into the mistakes of the past
Wading through what could have been, should have been, would have been…
Lying here all alone
Hoping someone will phone
Knowing I can make it by
But I’m too fucking tired of living to survive
Running from this empty hole
It haunts me, screaming to be filled
Waiting for someone to hold me tight
While fighting to maintain my own life
Five years ago, was it really only five years ago? Five years ago, I walked down that aisle, said “I do” with a fake pasty smile.
It’s time to close the chapter to that book, but the memories haunt me, reminding me of the life they took.
Dysfunction bears its ugly teeth I walk the plank with sharks eagerly waiting beneath
The price of idealism, magical thinking, hoping, and dreaming. It breaks me down to nothing, shattered, scattered, a life that once I thought mattered.

I’m sitting here, miserably depressed and not even knowing why. All I really know is that every cell in my body is eager for the month of May to disappear. I celebrate making it through yet another day every night as I crawl into bed, like a child checking off the days until Christmas.. I have survived 3 ½ days of this miserable month thus far with only 27 ½ more to go. That doesn’t sound hopeful, and since I hate living to survive and hate to squander even a second that is not embraced, this mentality is killing me almost as much as the reality that I am running from something yet again.
What am I running from? Yes, perhaps, that is what it is. ‘I am not lovable!’ I scream at the top of my lungs. ‘There is something drastically wrong with me!’ I hear this voice echoing off the hollow hole within. If there were nothing wrong with me, this never would have happened, and I wouldn’t be all alone. I know intellectually that this is not true, yet even to write that feels like a lie. So, I continue to allow these thoughts to resound within, offering no contradiction. Hoping that the warm sun will burst into my dark cave and shed light on the demons still lurking within.