lovetheadventure

To Be or Not To Be?

2008-06-08T22:32:00.001-07:00

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?
To die: to sleep;No more;
and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to,
'tis a consummationDevoutly to be wish'd.
To die, to sleep;To sleep: perchance to dream:
ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause
To be, or not to be, that is the question.

This Shakespearian theme has been running through my journal now for quite some time, and I have struggled to wrap my mind around it. Ironically, just as I cannot place my finger upon what it is I am debating whether or not to be or not to be, Hamlet seems to mix the two up quite royally as well. Debate remains as to whether or not one should see this as a contemplation between "life vs. death" or "action vs. no action" and is action choosing life or choosing death? Ay, there's the rub!

As I stand here at the brink of the dark cave of my past, feeling the subtle pull to return to the comfort of familiarity, I am at the same time feeling seduced by the blinding light. To be, or not to be, I ask myself, to embrace the light or retreat back into the dark cave of my former existence?

Today, I realized that the question is whether or not to be vulnerable, choosing to fully embrace the uncertainty of life in its fullness, or not to be, choosing, instead, to hide in false security, numb, guarded and methodical believing somehow I can protect my heart from ever breaking again. Both choices promise both life and death, and there in lies the rub!

I can choose the cave in which I can provide protection and a sense of security, whether it be just an illusion or not, and live a life that, though free of heartbreak and tragedy, also is not lived in fullness, more closely representing death than life. As T.S. Eliot so pointedly asked, "Where is the life we have lost in living?" Or, I can choose to step into the uncertainty, promised instability of the light. Knowing that the light will surely kill me. Yet, is there truth in "He who wishes to gain his life, must lose it"? Can I live life to the fullest without embracing the full spectrum off heaven and hell in each moment as it comes?

Well, I want to announce to the world, and perhaps in so doing, I will find the courage necessary to take that first step into the light, that I choose to live a life that may lead to death, rather than live a life that more closely resembles death than the life I was created to live. I choose to embrace the light, to walk in the fullness of uncertainty, recognizing that in this place I will experience higher highs and lower lows, heartbreak and ecstasy, disappointment and unexpected pleasure. I will live life, instead of retreating to an illusion of safety and numbness and waiting for life to pass me by.

The Promise of Uncertainty

2008-05-24T12:11:00.000-07:00

The Promise of Uncertainty

Light…
The brightness of the sun blinds my eyes.
As it invades my world of perpetual darkness and despair.
Darkness…
Quickly, I reach my hand up, shielding my eyes from the light.
After all, there is comfort, familiarity in the shadows of the past.
Waiting…
I have stayed here in the dark cave of my mind for so long.
Waiting for things to change, waiting for peace to come.
Warmth…
The heat from the sun’s rays slowly begins to entice me,
Seducing me to leave the darkness and embrace the light.
After all, nothing within the cave has changed.
Peace forever eludes me.
Fear constantly consumes me.
In the sudden warmth from the sun
I realize that I’ve been cold for so long
Everything within me has gone completely numb.
Cautiously…
I allow the light to slip between the cracks in my fingers.
Its promise of life and warmth draw me out of the shadows.

But Wait!

What if the light is only an illusion?
What if it leads to yet another deception?
What if it leaves my hope deferred and my heart sick with grief?
I stand here waiting, wondering, debating.
Hope beckons, but the light blinds my eyes to where it leads.
Darkness pulls at the broken chains around my ankles
Whispering promises of security, certainty in the emptiness of the familiar.
I must decide…
Can I leave behind all I have fought so hard to preserve in this damp, dark, godforsaken cave?
Can I risk it all for the promise, the hope of something real?
Is there really a healing presence of light within?
Or, will fear once again consume me

and

send me running back into the shadows of my past?

The Dark Cave of May

2008-05-04T21:30:00.001-07:00

May is not my favorite month. I got married five years ago in May. Two years ago in May, I left my life with my husband (not realizing that I would never be returning). And, One year ago in May, my divorce was finalized. Yes, May is quite the 'dark cave'. It is a reminder of both failure and grace, disappointment and joy, bondage and freedom, death and life.

Facing the memories
Walking down this hallway of hell
Wondering which doorway
Allured me
And dragged me down
Down into the path of disillusionment
A place of shattered dreams
Hope deferred and heart sick
Crying a river of tears
Mascara running down my cheek
Thankful that the floodgates have finally opened
Drowning in the harsh reality
of dreams that I will never see
Wondering if it weren’t for me, maybe it all could be
Brushing every hair with a fine tooth comb
Thinking I will find the knot where we got caught
Holding fast to what should have been,
But knowing now it never will be again.
Facing the demons
Seeing them lurking in the shadows
Waiting for that moment
Too tired to fight
They leap into sight
Pulling me down, down, down
Spiraling into the mistakes of the past
Wading through what could have been, should have been, would have been…
Lying here all alone
Hoping someone will phone
Knowing I can make it by
But I’m too fucking tired of living to survive
Running from this empty hole
It haunts me, screaming to be filled
Waiting for someone to hold me tight
While fighting to maintain my own life
Five years ago, was it really only five years ago? Five years ago, I walked down that aisle, said “I do” with a fake pasty smile.
It’s time to close the chapter to that book, but the memories haunt me, reminding me of the life they took.
Dysfunction bears its ugly teeth I walk the plank with sharks eagerly waiting beneath
The price of idealism, magical thinking, hoping, and dreaming. It breaks me down to nothing, shattered, scattered, a life that once I thought mattered.

I’m sitting here, miserably depressed and not even knowing why. All I really know is that every cell in my body is eager for the month of May to disappear. I celebrate making it through yet another day every night as I crawl into bed, like a child checking off the days until Christmas.. I have survived 3 ½ days of this miserable month thus far with only 27 ½ more to go. That doesn’t sound hopeful, and since I hate living to survive and hate to squander even a second that is not embraced, this mentality is killing me almost as much as the reality that I am running from something yet again.
What am I running from? Yes, perhaps, that is what it is. ‘I am not lovable!’ I scream at the top of my lungs. ‘There is something drastically wrong with me!’ I hear this voice echoing off the hollow hole within. If there were nothing wrong with me, this never would have happened, and I wouldn’t be all alone. I know intellectually that this is not true, yet even to write that feels like a lie. So, I continue to allow these thoughts to resound within, offering no contradiction. Hoping that the warm sun will burst into my dark cave and shed light on the demons still lurking within.

Letting the Fly Die

2008-04-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

So, I randomly wrote this poem "Window of the Soul". I love writing poetry, because no one is more shocked than me to see what ends up on the paper. When I want to know what is really going on inside of me, I just sit down to write, and boom, there it is!
Here, though, I was struck by the fact that all the past shit I have gone through has all melded together with all my other past memories. The pain and the joy have all become one. Everything about me, actually, has come together into one question. One resounding question that has no answer. And, it is sitting in this place of waiting, this place of uncertainty, this place of not knowing, that I remain, waiting for an answer to some ineffable question. Yet, my eyes are always asking, always seeking, always hoping to be consoled.
Today, though, I resolved to at least name the question. How can I hope to wait in peace if I don't even know what it is I am looking for?
That was when I realized that this question was like a fly trapped in between the screen and the window. Have you ever watched a fly bouncing and buzzing helplessly in the interim space, with no hope of escape? My question has been bouncing and buzzing helplessly in the interim space between reality and dream, trapped in the window of my soul.
Yet, today, I realized that the answer is meaningless. It is the question itself that brings revelation. I found, just like that fly, that my question is spurred on only out of fear, out of helplessness, hopelessness, a sense of being trapped.
I was raised to believe that perfect love casts out all fear, and perhaps that is what I have been asking and waiting for. Wanting to find someone who can offer me that perfect love and in exchange cast out all my deep rooted fears. Wondering if I wait long enough, maybe someone will come by with the answer, open the window, and this haunting question will finally stop resounding within the confines of my soul.
But, then it occurred to me that I am the one setting the stipulation that fear must remain in the absence of perfect love. What if I no longer feared pain, betrayal, disappointment, and broken trust. What if, instead, I was able to embrace the risk, fully trusting that regardless of the answer, regardless of the outcome, I would be living the life I was created to live? A life filled with moments of ecstatic joy and times of gut wrenching pain, as well as, every emotion in between. After all, no human can promise perfect love, and no human experience can capture pure euphoria. So, why not embrace the spectrum of imperfection that dwells within the interim of reality and dream and simply let the fly die?

Window of the Soul

2008-04-28T20:19:00.000-07:00

Roaming eyes
Seeking to console
Pass right through me
Window into the soul

Watching...
A life unfold
Mystery...
Journeys yet untold

Years of pain
A flood of tears
Raging nightmares
Crippling fears

Shattered dreams
A broken heart
Hope deferred
Life torn apart

Waking moments
Finding grace
Passing joy
Freedom to embrace

Darkness fleeing
Light sustaining
Sorrow waning
Life regaining

Delving deeper
Through joy and pain
Holding loosely
Nothing real to gain

Memories fade
One thought remains
Images merge
No answers obtained

Looking for peace
In the haunting hole
One question still resounding
Off the window of the soul

Irony

2008-04-24T21:07:00.000-07:00

Irony is defined as, "incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play —called also dramatic irony, tragic irony."
Do you ever feel like God sits there watching the drama unfold, as we, the characters in the play naively live out a dramatic, and at times tragic, series of ironic scenes that provide great entertainment to the divine while completely frustrating us helpless mortals?
I feel as though I am sinking in a pit of irony and the harder I squirm to pull myself out, the faster and deeper I sink.
Perhaps the secret, as with quick sand, is to stop resisting, stop my squirming, and relax. I just need to accept the fact that life is a tragic irony and I am but a mere casualty in the twists and turns of the otherwise quite entertaining plot of the universe.
While attempting to extract myself from my latest pit of irony, I resolved to find moments of joy and contentment. I took a puppy to the beach and laughed hysterically as she totally kicked my ass at soccer. Got asked out on a date, which I politely turned down (Do women really give random men their number???), then met up with a friend for some crazy finger painting on the beach.
Isn't it ironic that life can be spinning out of control all around me, yet for this second, I can kick back, soak my fingers in paint, smear them on sand covered paper, and think of nothing but the brilliant mixing of colors, wild swirls of purple, yellow, and green and watch as utter chaos creates a masterpiece before my very eyes!

Ten Thousand Spoons

2008-04-23T06:56:00.000-07:00

So, it's only been approximately a year since I wrote a blog. I guess it's only taken that long to find a bit of stability? But, stability I have found, or at least I like to tell myself I'm stable, but I think it's really all relative.
Life is feeling a bit ironic, and I'm starving. So, instead of finding the will power to make my kitchen more of a mess and actually create something nourishing for my body, I am procrastinating, yet again, by blogging the random musing of my admittedly not yet stable mind. But although my mind may never be fully stable, my life is getting closer. I have lived in one place (aside from a week and half house-sitting stint) for three months. I have held down the same job (that, yes, believe it or not, actually pays me money) for two months, and I have managed to keep my life semi-drama free for most of that time. To top it all off, I even managed to make a friend who has successfully not added chaos to my life. And to think that I almost gave up believing in miracles!
So, aside from the fact that I currently have ten thousand spoons when all I really need is a knife, life is just peachy. Well, the hell with it! I really don't need a knife, I just need to throw out all those damn spoons!

The Holy Spirit Fix

2007-09-22T09:40:00.001-07:00

Having grown up with a very diverse Christian background, I have had friends and family members on opposite ends of the "Holy Spirit" spectrum. There are those who believe anything involving healing, tongues, the supernatural, or the Holy Spirit being more than a vague term mentioned in a few liturgies is bordering on satanic, there are those who live by the motto, 'deny not, seek not,' and then there are those who believe the Holy Spirit is the answer to every problem, all the time.
I was watching "Tell Me You Love Me" last night and one of the women made a comment to her fiancé along the lines that, "Coming over and having sex isn't going to fix this issue." And, it occurred to me, that some believers treat the Holy Spirit in this way. There is a problem, but, "Wait!" don't panic, the Holy Spirit is on the way.
A friend of mine was sharing her frustration with me as she described a situation in which she made herself vulnerable to another friend. She shared what she was currently feeling and experiencing, and was simply looking for a little empathy. Unfortunately, this friend, didn't understand and thought she was looking for a solution. and, his suggested solution was the 'Holy Spirit fix'. Yeah, we all know that the Holy Spirit can free you from depressing thoughts, anxiety, etc., but...
should we immediately go shooting up, jumping into bed, before looking at the issue? Why do Christians feel it so necessary to have everything be "good" and "happy" and "right" all the time? Maybe I feel like shit for a reason. Maybe I feel depressed because my body, my soul, my spirit, is attempting to make me aware of something that is going on inside of me or around me and it is asking me to make some healthier choices. Maybe if I take time to sit and experience whatever i am feeling right now, i can deal with it, allow the Light to transform it as authentic healing takes place, instead of stuffing it down and getting that quick fix.
i have been trying so hard to learn how to embrace all of life, even the hard, lonely, depressing shit. Yet, I am constantly bombarded by people who in the name of God, optimism, or who knows what think it is more important to fix the shit than to take a good authentic look at it.
I grew up in a family of avid hunters. One thing that I learned at an early age is that you can tell a lot about an animal by looking at its shit. You can tell what type of animal it is, how big it is, what it has been eating, if it is healthy, etc. I think we can learn a lot about ourselves, by taking the time to investigate our own shit, and giving others permission to do the same.
So, next time, before I reach for the 'Holy Spirit fix' maybe I will first take the time to ask the Holy Spirit why I've got the issue to begin with and take some time to be with it. Who knows, I just might learn something.

Forgiveness

2007-09-20T06:52:00.000-07:00

Through a random series of very unfortunate events over the past couple of days, I have had the opportunity and honor to walk through a life crisis with a good friend. In the process, it brought up a whole lot of unresolved issues in my own life that I had previously been quite successful at stuffing deep inside the core of my being. It was not that I wanted to avoid dealing with the issues, as much as, I just don't have a clue how to deal with them effectively.

Prior to my "Grace Awakening," I had an impeccable knack for forcing myself to do the things that I felt that I "should" do or things I was expected to do. Without going into detail, this eventually led to numerous situations in which I allowed myself to be abused all in the name of "love" and "submission."

As I sat drinking a NewCastle and listening to the waves crashing against the shoreline the other night, I realized that I allowed parts of myself to be overpowered, raped of all self-respect, dignity, and value all for the sake of doing what I believed God, my husband, my family, etc wanted me to do.

How do you forgive yourself for actively denying yourself to the point of emotional and spiritual death? How do you allow new breath to revive life inside of the areas within that are so cold, so scared, so petrified to breathe once again? How do you convince yourself that you will be your protector, guardian, and friend, instead of your own worst enemy?

I asked myself for forgiveness, but the fear and the pain is too deep, too sharp, too much to risk ever going there again. My inner child, that person who was suppressed and destroyed my entire life is like an abused puppy who, even when entrusted to a new, kind master, still quivers in the corner behind the couch, too scared to even peak around the corner.

I have a much better grasp on how to love myself now, I believe in and receive grace, I make an effort to not force myself into any unloving, unhealthy situations. I have attempted to completely remove the word "should" from my vocabulary, and I even got myself out of the abusive situations of my past. Yet, how long will it take to rebuild trust in myself? What will it take?

If I can't trust myself, can I really, genuinely trust others, trust God? Is trust like love? We love others only as well as we love ourselves, therefore, do I also trust others only as much as I trust myself? Is that why I still expect people to reject me, overpower me, disrespect me, etc? I think that is still what I expect from myself...

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

2007-09-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

I just watched Eternal Sunshine and found it incredibly profound. What a powerful demonstration of true love! How often do we make the choice to do something, whether it is pursuing a relationship, a new job, a new geographical location, etc, with these high ideals of how perfect life is going to be once we have arrived at this new place in life? Unfortunately, life rarely, if ever, offers perfection, and sooner or later, we find ourselves feeling disillusioned with that new relationship, job, home, etc.
I sat there wiping away tears as Joel and Clementine hesitantly, but resolutely decided that knowing the pain that was inevitable, the challenges they would most definitely face together, still determined that the choice to share life with each other was worth the cost. Isn't that what love is all about?
Peter Rollins discusses this in his book How Not to Speak of God when he points out that when two people decide to get married believing that this guarantees that their marriage will last a lifetime, then no decision is really necessary. But, if they are able to recognize that their union will undergo severe trials, there are no guarantees, and the hardships they may undergo could drive them apart, this is when a real decision can be made. He states that, "love will say 'yes' regardless of uncertainty. A love that requires contracts and absolute assurance in order to act is no love at all."
I think that is why I was so significantly moved by this movie. It laid out all the shit on the table, evaluated the possibilities authentically (denial-just forget it and move on; idealism-hold out forever for that perfect relationship; cynicism-give up completely and conclude that relationships just suck; or acceptance-embrace the relationship for everything that it is, all the great things and all the shitty things together) and then fully understanding the cost, still chose love, still chose relationship, still decided that life was better together than alone.

Homeward Bound

2007-07-27T13:17:00.000-07:00

After leaving Lake Como, Italy, I made my way back to Tubingen, Germany. In Tubingen, I met up with a friend I had made during my first stay there a few weeks ago, Adam, and we left together to go explore Prague. My decision not to go to Prague alone was three fold. First, the Czech Republic is in Eastern Europe which from what I had heard is significantly different from Western Europe and being an American female traveling alone may have been a bit more intimidating. Second, exploring new cities on my own had begun to lose it's original appeal. And, third, during my entire trek through Italy, and during my final week in France, I had not spoken with a single person (aside from the elderly English couples on the train) who spoke English as their first language. Although it is incredible to meet such a diversity of people, and it provided a myriad of opportunities to learn about various cultures and ways of life, I could only connect with people at a certain level in broken English, and I was beginning to feel a bit lonely. Adam is from Oregon and studying German in Tubingen, which meant that I would have a few days in which I could enjoy conversation unhindered by any language barriers, except during the times when he felt compelled to practice German with me. Oh-well, you take what you can get :) Since Adam did not have a Eurorail pass, we took a less expensive, thus slower, train to Prague. This meant that we spent a good eight hours in a non air conditioned, quite crowded train on one of the hottest days I had yet to encounter during my time in Europe. But, once we actually arrived, it was well worth the labor of sweat. Upon exiting the train, I felt as though I had been transported back twenty years into the past. Up until this point, almost every train station I had been in, regardless of the country, was pretty similar. Not so, here. Instead of cash machines (ATMs), there were booths of money exchangers. The buildings, the signs, the booths, everything just felt and looked different. We had not reserved a hostel, so our first priority was to find a place to sleep for the night. Despite a few hitches, we finally figured out the metro systems, found a cash machine, got a hostel, and decided to go exploring. Now, up until this point, I had a spotless record for getting lost in every single city I entered. I had actually become quite accustomed to this perpetually lost feeling. Adam ruined this record, and thanks to his impeccable directional sense, we were never lost. Unbelievable! Prague had a very magical feel. It was unaffected by the war, therefore the original buildings from hundreds of years ago still remained unscathed. Most of the buildings had a very gothic feel. In general, I felt like I was walking through The Magic Kingdom, but the buildings were real, not in Disneyland! We had a few wonderful meals, I found a light beer that I really enjoyed, Pilsner Urquell, and had the best wine I have ever had in my entire life! We saw some incredible looking churches, a huge, very random, metronome on top of a hill, had a picnic in the park, and stayed up most of the night exploring the castle and just sitting in front of the most beautiful church I have ever seen talking theology, philosophy, and life for hours. At some point, we got chased out by the castle guards which made for a memorable experience! We were told to avoid The Charles Bridge during the day, so we decided to go at 5am and watch the sun come up. It was beautiful and except for a few random people, we had the whole place to ourselves. Aside from the miserably hot train ride back to Tubingen, it was an amazing trip! I left Tubingen and went back to Frankfurt to fly to London. I got to the right airport this time, and landed in England early Wednesday morning. I took a bus to Cambridge and met up with a friend of a friend in Cambridge, Anna. She was amazing, and made me feel right at home. Anna and her friend Ian gave me a tour of Cambridge. I saw houses and buildings with thatched roofs, a very impressive mansion and a "toad crossing" sign. Yes, I am serious, they actually have toad crossing signs to protect some endangered toad species. The following day, Anna took me to a huge open air market and through several of the colleges within the University of Cambridge. I also went exploring some beautiful botanical gardens and found a shop with free samples of homemade fudge. Anna and two of her friends took me into London where I got a personal tour of the city. After seeing most of the main sites: The London Eye, Big Ben, The Globe Theater, etc. we went to China Town. I had an amazing dinner complete with fried duck and some great laughs. The highlight of my trip to London, though, was riding with Russ on his motorbike from Cambridge to London. It is true that England is generally cold, overcast, and rainy, but we were fortunate enough to only get caught in one relatively short downpour, and by the time we arrived, I was mostly dry :) On Sunday, I went to a vineyard church with Anna and Ian, then we went for a traditional "Sunday Roast" at a local pub. After a wonderful lunch and a short nap, we went to Clarion College for a guitar concert. The quartet played mostly Latin American music, which reconfirmed my conviction that I may just need to make that my next travel destination (complete with some dance classes). I spent the next day exploring Cambridge and all the small little bookstores and thrift shops. Some of the bookstores I went to are older than our country. Unbelievable! I flew out of London back to Germany on Tuesday, arriving in Karlsruhe/Baden Baden and spent the day exploring Karlsruhe, a small German town. I had a very laid back and uneventful final evening in Europe, and caught my train back to Frankfurt the next morning. All was going well as I arrived in Frankfurt two hours before my plane was to leave and boarded what i thought would be my last local train to the airport. unbeknownst to me, they were doing construction on the rail that takes you into the airport, and no trains would be stopping there. After sitting on the train for quite a while and realizing that we were well beyond the airport, I was able to find someone who spoke English. He explained that i needed to go back to the previous train station and catch a shuttle bus. Well, by now my plane was leaving in an hour and i still had to catch another train. Long story short, I ended up taking a very expensive taxi ride to the airport, arriving 20 minute before departure, and not having enough cash to cover my cab fare. Praise God for gracious taxi drivers, short lines, and understanding airline staff. I sprinted to the terminal and caught my plane just in time. Can't say that I would have minded getting stranded in Europe, but as my bank account very frankly reminded me, the system works best when money flows in as well as out. Therefore, I figured it was about time for me to return to reality, or something like that, anyway. I have been back in the States now for two weeks and slowly readjusting. As far as where to next, that is yet to be determined...

Italy and Beyond

2007-07-23T13:16:00.000-07:00

July 23rd
After leaving St. John of the Cross and the sister’s in France, I decided to make my way to Rome. Due to a random French holiday, this turned out to be a more difficult adventure than expected, which meant that I would be spending the night in Nice, France and going down the west coast of Italy the following day. On my way to Nice, I overheard two elderly couples on the train speaking English. This was quite a refreshing sound after spending a week amongst people who spoke at best broken English. These two couples from England were quite happy to converse with me for the remainder of the trip, which was a delightful blessing! On a side note, I have found that after being around people who speak English as a second, third, or even fourth language, for so long, I begin to talk, write, and even think differently. My vocabulary has gotten considerably smaller, and I have found that I have started speaking more slowly as well. That was one change I did not expect when I started this adventure! The following day, I took a train to Genova. Along the way, I passed some of the most beautiful beaches that I have ever seen. I was very excited to arrive, put on my suit, and spend the afternoon soaking up the rays. Unfortunately, when I finally made it to Genova, I spent the afternoon walking up and down the various ports looking for one of those breathtaking beaches I had seen over the past few hours on the train, to no avail. Alas, Genova is a port town! But I happened upon the lighthouse, which was an incredible sight, but I happened upon two writings that spoke profoundly to me: “The Lanterna is the Lighthouse. It grants light to the night of man. In the darkness of the shipwreck we have glimpsed the light of the lighthouse. Arching beam of light opening the night. The light is hope, renewed strength for the seafarer. The lighthouse questions the horizon for the persons remaining at home; it is the absence of the man. It is the relentless feeling of women standing under the sirocco wind. It is suspense and hope. Not said words inducing the return. The Lanterna is the lighthouse, a silent union of land and sea.” Exert from the book La Regina Disadorna “…A good port, like the one of Genova, can attract any thing, any person, any language, any culture of the world to be expanded or expelled. Anybody living close to a port is ready to be launched into the world. It is possible that, at a point, this person is in the opposite side of the planet…a life without a preset destiny the grand finale of life, mine, yours, or that of anybody else has not been written yet.” Through a random connection, I ended up spending the night with a wonderful middle aged couple. They made me an authentic Italian dinner, with incredible pesto sauce and locally produced cheese, and then decided to take me on a late night tour of the town. They took me to a cove where I could at least put my feet in the ocean. I was able to see the town and get the history of Genova, complete with where they both worked as well as where Andrea’s parents had been born. I was informed that Genova is the only city to have public elevators and lifts that function similar to the bus system, but are more efficient due to the very steep mountains upon which the city is build into. Genova is also probably the only city that has spent the last 20 years building it’s metro system and still only has 4 stops. Supposedly this is due to all the history that they discover in the process. It was a wonderful evening! In the morning, I left for Pisa. I met a family from the east coast and spoke with them as we walked to the leaning tower. I saw the tower, took some pics, and hopped back on the train to make my way to Rome. Rome was definitely breathtaking! It is so full of history and the buildings, ruins, churches, etc. were beyond compare. Although it really was incredible, I think I may have seen enough fancy buildings for a while and therefore was not as impressed as I had expected to be with everything. It was also quite unbearably hot and tourists were everywhere. I saw more Americans and heard more English than I did Italian, unfortunately. But, through a series of random events, I found myself at the beach, (finally!), just outside of Rome, with some authentic Italian families. I got to eat dinner with them and even go out for drinks afterwards. It was by far the highlight of my trip to Rome. After seeing the Vatican, I considered my time in Rome complete and hopped on an overnight train to Venice. I met a wonderful girl from Argentina on the train, and we spent the next couple of days touring Venice together. It was wonderful, because we arrived in Venice at 5:30am, after getting little to no sleep on the train, but were able to sit on a dock and watch the sun come up over the water. We spent the early hours of the morning wandering the streets, practically all alone. By mid-morning the dreaded tourists (as if I am not one of them!) were awake and crowding the streets and the heat was nearly impossible. So, we found our accommodations, a campground outside of the main island, and took a nap. I also made good use of the pool. We spent the evening on a boat, watching the sun go down, and ended up on an island where we got to eat dinner and watch the locals. Venice was incredibly expensive, especially the necessary transportation from place to place, so I ended up only spending two days and then leaving for Lake Como, Italy. In Como, I met up with some friends of a friend and spent my time with a group of international university students. It was tons of fun complete with late night walks along the lake, BBQs, hiking, and even a “Miss Summer” fashion show. Although I did not get to interact with many Italians during my time in Como, I met people from Morocco, Turkey, Poland, and Iran. It was quite the cultural experience! I loved Como, because there were not nearly as many tourists and life in general was much more laid back and relaxed. It was a wonderful way to conclude my time in Italy. From there, I packed my bags and headed back to Tubingen to meet up with a friend I had made during my time there several weeks ago, and we left the following day for Prague. In order to do justice to my time in Prague and England, I will have to leave you all in suspense for now.

From College Parties to Convents with French Cuisine in between

2007-07-07T13:13:00.000-07:00

July 7th

From College Parties and Body Painting to Convents and Mass with a little French Cuisine in between...
So, where to start? Through a series of seemingly random events I found myself first in Tubingan with a couple girls from the States who are studying German at the university, then in Strasbourg, France, which led to a French convent in the middle of nowhere. I met Lauren and Chelsea in the Frankfurt (Main) airport when I was supposed to be at Frankfurt (Hohn) airport to catch my flight to Dublin. We raced off to the right airport and got there 15 minutes before departure. Therefore, I had to carry my pack on the plane instead of checking it, which meant that my handy dandy glorified Swiss Army knife had to remain behind. Thankfully, all was not lost, because Lauren graciously offered to let me mail the knife to her and come pick it up when I returned. That is how I ended up in Tubingan. I was really missing my knife! I arrived in this little, very German, town south of Stuttgart just in time to go with Lauren to a classmate’s birthday bonfire. Just before midnight we headed out to some random field in search of this bonfire. Just when I was beginning to think we were lost, we saw glimmers of a fire in the distance. Unfortunately, as we got closer, it became apparent that this was not the group that we were looking for. This group directed us to an odd assembly of people surrounded by a circle of candles. Apparently, the birthday group had showed up a little late and the bonfire spot had already been occupied. So they made due with candles and were already enjoying the plentiful wine and allowing the birthday girl to express her artistic talents. I will leave the rest to your imagination, but let me just conclude by saying this was definitely not a boring party! The rest of the weekend was filled with late night dancing, spaghetti ice-cream (okay, just so you don’t think I am too crazy, it is vanilla ice-cream in the shape of noodles with strawberries on top and sprinkled with white chocolate or coconut), baseball games, castles, and karaoke. Yes, I have missed college life! And, oh, my God!!!! Friday night we saw the most amazing rainbow I have ever seen in my entire life. There was a crazy thunderstorm, so we went up to the 14th floor of the dorm and were watching from the patio. Then as the rain began to subside, a huge rainbow stretched across the sky. As we were all trying to get pictures, it got darker and darker and eventually a double rainbow appeared. Then the first one, the darker one, began to wrap around and almost formed a full circle. I can’t wait to show you pictures!!! It was definitively a wonderful way to celebrate the halfway point of my travels. I was able to get caught up on laundry, e-mail those who thought I had fallen off the face of the earth, and even had time to begin reading “The Odyssey.” I also attended a German Social Studies class (the class was in English), which I found quite fascinating, especially since I wasn’t the one being tested on the material J Anyway, Chelsea had a couple friends, Erin and Anna, from Michigan visiting this weekend as well. They are on their way to Spain to take a 6 week course in Spanish, but wanted to do a little traveling before classes started. Long story short, they asked me to travel with them through France. Now, France really hasn’t been my favorite country. The trains are a bit more challenging to maneuver than in Germany and the French language is a real challenge for me, especially since many French people are not too eager to speak English with me. But, I had heard from the friends I made in Berlin that I really needed to see the Strasbourg Cathedral, so I had been planning on venturing into France one last time anyway. Since Erin speaks a little French, it only made sense to go along. Hence, the second part of this crazy story begins. We left early Tues. morning for Strasbourg and due to less than adequate planning missed a few key connections and spent the majority of the cold, rainy day on the train. Which, since it was a dreary day, was not all that disappointing. When we got to Strasbourg, we connected with a young woman from the “couch-surfers” community who was willing to let us “surf her couch” for the night. We took pictures, saw the incredible cathedral, and walked around the town for a couple of hours. Then, Camille, decided that she would take us to a restaurant for dinner where we could experience some French food traditional to the Strasbourg area. This is where things got a bit crazy. I am not sure if I have ever in my life enjoyed a meal as much as I did dinner that night. I know that I have not laughed so hard in years. Words alone could never quite capture the atmosphere of the restaurant that we went to, but I will do my best to recreate the experience for you. In order to understand just how crazy this entire endeavor was from the very beginning, it is important to understand that Camille only speaks minimal English and Erin speaks even less French. With this in mind, I have never laughed so much and so hard in my entire life! As we approached the restaurant, Camille was greeted by the server at the door as if she were an old friend (but we found out later that she had never even eaten there before). He seemed quite excited to have Americans in his restaurant and welcomed us literally with open arms. He immediately began to speak to us in broken English and after inquiring about where we were from, he handed us menus and stated he would return in just a minute to “translate” them for us. By this time, the handful of other guests in the restaurant were all very much aware of us. And Camille was trying to ask us something about appetizers, but her English and our limited French were not connecting. Our server then arrived at the table with a cookbook and began to show us pictures as he described in detail the specials for the day. As he stumbled on words, other guests from a few tables over would chime in with their own broken English in attempts to help him out. After a few minutes of mostly ineffective communication, a few good laughs, we ultimately decided that he should simply decide for us what we should have. First, he brought one glass of light, sweet white wine and another glass of peach wine to the table with some pretzels as our appetizer. At this point, we finally realized that Camille had been trying to ask us if having wine as an appetizer was traditional in America. Well, a little wine on an empty stomach was just what we needed to keep the laughs coming J Occasionally, our server would spontaneously appear at our table and just begin talking and asking questions. When he couldn’t think of the English word he wanted, he would turn to another of the guests to ask for help. Other times, the guests, who were being thoroughly entertained by the interactions at our table, or the cooks, who were constantly poking their heads out of the kitchen to see what was transpiring, would jump in with assistance before being asked. At one point, we were all laughing so hard our stomachs ached and our server, Terry, was heaving in attempts to catch his breath. One of the highlights of the evening was when Anna attempted to say, “… a little bit…” in French, but instead said, “peas.” Camille thought this was hilarious and shared it with Terry who immediately stated, “Your mind is like a little red fish.” I guess this is a common French phrase which Camille tried to explain to us, but the meaning was pretty much lost. Terry’s comment was followed by a hearty laugh, and he stated, “I am only jocking.” As our minds turned to jock straps, we laughed even harder. As we were enjoying our entrees, Terry shared stories from the day among the guests, such as the grouchy elderly lady who ate lunch there. I guess she stated to him during the meal that her, “breasts are right, and she loves younger men.” I’m not sure what was more funny, the story or Camille and Terry attempting to tell us the story in broken English J During dessert, rhubarb pie and ginger ice-cream, Erin stated that we were all single. This resulted in Camille immediately calling her male friends on her cell phone in attempts to set us up. As she was dialing, she asked us if we wanted “French lovers”! Unfortunately, her friends were already previously committed for the evening L Although the food was definitely amazing it was not the highlight, the whole experience in and of itself was absolutely unforgettable! Although language barriers can be incredibly frustrating at times, when we are willing to laugh at ourselves and with each other, they become very entertaining opportunities to make friends. I felt like I not only ate dinner with Erin, Anna, and Camille that night, but that I also shared it with the server, the cooks, and each of the guests who ate there. Interestingly, all those who were there when we got there, remained there throughout the entire 2-3 hours of our dinner. And, when they did finally leave, they made sure to say goodbye. Who could blame them, what could be more entertaining than watching a few Americans with “minds like little red fish” attempting to enjoy a meal in a small French restaurant. So, Erin had a friend who traveled through France last summer and stayed with some sisters in this little convent close to Lyon. Erin had contacted these sisters and she and Anna were planning on checking out the place. They really wanted me to come along, and, well, how often do you get invited to a convent? I wish I could say that I had been excited about the experience, but honestly, I just didn’t know what to expect. Getting there was the first challenge, but thanks to the guarding angel that was waiting for us when we got off of the bus, we actually had no real issues. (There just happened to be a woman waiting at the bus stop when we got off who spoke English and asked us if we needed a ride anywhere). Yeah… When we got to the convent, we were greeted by Sister Marie who told us that we were just in time for dinner (yet another small miracle!). It was a “desert” dinner, meaning we were to eat in silence. I was soon to find out that most of their meals are spent “in the desert” so to speak. After dinner, they took us to our rooms (we each had our own room with a bed, a little spot for prayer, and a desk). The next day, we went into town to access the internet and I got to have my first hitch-hiking experience. We figured it was safe because the sisters suggested it as the best way to get back to the convent, and it was. Although, it was quite humorous since the woman giving us a ride didn’t speak English and Erin barely speaks French, but we made it back. Very long story short, I ended up staying for several days after Erin and Anna left. It just so happened these were Sisters of Saint John, who primarily focus on knowing the heart of Jesus. Ironically, I have been seeking to know the loving heart of Jesus over the past year, specifically focusing on the Gospel and letters of John and crying out to the Lord to teach me about love. It kind of felt like maybe this was part of the answer to my prayer. Although, I did not miss the irony of having it answered in French. Anyway, I got to spend a lot of time in prayer, meditation, silence, mass (always in French, but occasionally the homily was translated for me by one of the sisters), and I got to attend an ordination service. All I can say is watch “Sister Act” and you will get a pretty good idea of what I lived during the past week. It was hilarious! The trip to the ordination was straight out of the movie. The beat-up old van and everything! The best part was that some of the brothers being ordained were African, so they had African drums during the service and during the picnic afterwards. Just picture a bunch of nuns and monks dancing and playing African drums, and this little white American red head dancing right along with them J It was a blast! So, my journey continues, it will be quite interesting to see what God has in store for me next.

Update From Europe

2007-06-23T13:12:00.000-07:00

June 23rd

The adventure continued beyond Florence to Ireland and then onto France. I spent four days in Florence and the surrounding area. My friend Gina is a nanny in Florence, and I was able to stay with her and her family. It was wonderful to eat real meals, take a shower in bare feet, and know that I didn’t have to worry about locking my bag and packing up for a few days. We had a blast, went out and met some “real Italians,” got myself a genuine Italian tour guide for a day, had an authentically Italian dinner, ate gelato, and saw various famous sights. After leaving Florence, I took an overnight train back to Zurich, Switzerland for the afternoon, and then continued on my way to Frankfurt, Germany to catch my flight to Dublin, Ireland. I almost missed my flight to Dublin because Frankfurt has two airports about 1 ½ hrs away from each other, but thankfully, although I showed up at the wrong airport, I was still able to catch my flight in just enough time! Missy had warned me about the whole two airports deal, but some things, I guess you just have to learn the hard way! Once I got to Ireland, I decided to go to Belfast, which is Northern Ireland. I enjoyed my time there so much, that I spent almost an entire week. I took my first official tour and went up the northern coast to see Giants Causeway. The rock formations and the coastline were absolutely breathtaking! I made a couple friends in the hostel, so I always had someone to go out with at night and someone to hike to the Belfast Castle with and get lost attempting to find some forts beyond the castle. Oh, I did some minor rock climbing and found my way into a really cool cave! I had my first Guinness, which was just as good as you might imagine and discovered that just because the Irish speak English, doesn‘t mean that you can understand a word that they are saying! Now, for the highlight of my trip so far… I read this book ‘How (Not) to Speak of God’ by Peter Rollins, just before I left for Europe. It is by far the best theology/philosophy book on the postmodern church that I have ever read, and I would highly recommend it to anyone interested in exploring these areas. Anyway, Peter Rollins started ‘Ikon,’ a group of people who are exploring spirituality/Christianity in a postmodern way in Belfast. I had been following their events on their website and decided I would try to attend a gathering while I was there, if I could find it. Well, they were having a BBQ on Friday night, and miraculously, I found it. It was rather small, so it was impossible to avoid making an entrance, and I just showed up with this Italian guy who I had met in the hostel and had decided to go with me. It was by far the most crazy thing I have ever done, but there I was attending a random BBQ in Ireland and being introduced to Pete Rollins. He was incredibly nice and we ended up getting to spend some time talking that night. He had several suggestions for various connections I can make with people of similar thinking in the States and some ideas for where I may want to pursue getting my doctorate if I decide to take that route. He then invited me to hang with him and some friends Saturday afternoon, we all went to a party that night, I went to the gathering on Sunday, and I got to know numerous people involved in Ikon. I also got to have coffee with Pete before I left Tuesday. Through another random connection I made Sunday night, I was able to meet with one of the professors of Queen’s University in Belfast, who did his masters on the emerging church movement currently being pioneered by Brian McLaren. He gave me a copy of his dissertation and also had plenty of suggestions for possible connections in the States. All that to say, I met some amazing people, had some definitely “divine connections” and have had more opportunities to process the possibility of continuing my education in the area of religious studies and the emerging church. I flew out of Dublin early Wed. morning and met back up with Gina in Paris. She had a short vacation, so we decided that Paris was a city that could not be explored alone. We spent three days exploring Paris. It was beautiful! The Eifel Tower at night, the Louve, and Notre Dame were definitely the highlights. I also just loved sitting in a little café sipping espresso and observing Paris night life. Yes, it was wonderful! Then we took an overnight train to Lourdes, a very famous Catholic site where Saint Bernadette saw a vision of Mary. Long story short, there is a river running through the city and many believe that those dipped in the water will be healed. The church there was beautiful, as well as the landscape. Unfortunately, we found out that Lourdes is easy to get into, but not so easy to get out of. So, due to train schedules, prices, etc., Gina and I parted ways, she went to spend her final day in Barcelona, and I headed out to meet up with a new friend in Berlin, Germany. So, the journey continues…

On My Way to Italy

2007-05-31T13:11:00.000-07:00

On my way to Italy (May 31st) The adventure continues... Thus far I have been in Frankfurt, Germany; Luxembourgh (which has been forever cast as "a living hell"- yes, that may be harsh, but if i ever see it again, it will be too soon!)Amsterdam; Zurich, Switzerland; Heidelberg, Germany; Boden Boden, Germany (at some Roman/Irish Spas); Stutgartt, Germany (which Missy and I dubbed "the rabbit hole"); Nice, France; Munich, Germany (the home of the Beer Gardens and Pub Crawls); and am currently in Ban Gastein, Austria. There has not been a single dull moment. Missy left from Frankfurt on Monday, and I have been attempting to navigate my way alone ever since. I went back to Munich after seeing Missy off and found a great hostel. Despite the torrential downpour that began Monday and didn't let up until sometime Wed., I still managed to have fun. Missy and I had spent the weekend in Munich, mostly at the English Gardens. It is beautiful, and everyone just hangs out by the water (cloths are optional, which made things quite interesting-no pics-sorry), and at one spot along the river, people actually surf (pics to be provided on myspace and/or my forum if i can get it up and running again). One of my roommates Monday night had just gotten into Munich, so I gave him a tour (ironic since I had only been there a few days), but he was from NY and it was nice to have someone to talk to. Tues. it rained, so I found an English bookstore in Marianplatz and spent the day reading (yes, i know, i am a nerd). But, it was fun! I hopped a train to Austria that evening and after a brief stop in Salzburg, got to Bad Gastein. Because it is the low season here (skiing is their main attraction, although the hiking is amazing if you ask me) i got a single room with a private bath (this is unheard of since i have been doing the 18 person, co-ed, dorm experience most of the time) for less than i have paid anywhere else. The people are very friendly and the landscape is spectacular. I met a Canadian from Que'bec and we spent all day yesterday hiking and then in the hot springs. The mountains are breathtaking! We are going to rent bikes today and attempt to cover a few more trails. It's been fun to meet random people, especially when they speak English! I am taking an overnight train to Florence tonight and will be meeting up with a friend who I worked with at the Olive Garden. Next Wed. or Thurs. I will be flying to Ireland for a week. After that, we will see... So, that is life in a nutshell. Please continue to keep me in prayer as you think of it. I have several ideas for future plans once I finish this trip, but they seem to be shifting and changing constantly. Life is a journey, and the destination is completely unknown. So, I have concluded to just kick back and have fun (at least for the next two months!)

Living It Up In Europe

2007-05-21T13:10:00.000-07:00

May 21st

Well, I have been in Europe now for almost a full week, and it has been one adventure after another. I am having the time of my life! I spent a full day in Frankfurt, Germany and then met up with my cousin Missy. We set off to explore Amsterdam (and I will have to wait until I make it back to the states to share about our short layover in Luxembourg on our waz there, and no, we did not drink any Amsterdam coffee ;) After Amsterdam, we took an overnight train to Zurick, Switzerland (boy do I have some good stories from that trip as well). I have decided that I want to spend the rest of my life in Zurick laying out by the lake and staring at the Alps. Talk about living life! Everyone is so laid back, relaxed, chill, and appear to have nothing better to do than enjoy the beautiful landscape around them. We left there and went back to Germany. Today we had a picnic lunch and nap in the court yard of the Heidenburg Castle. Yes, I felt like royalty! Tomorrow we are off to find some hot springs in Boden Boden. and then we are making our way to Italy and France. Internet access is a bit of a challenge and I haven't had a chance to post any pictures, yet, but I will do my best to keep all those who are interested in my travels up to date on my various adventures. Hope all is well. Tschuss!

How (Not) to Speak of God

2007-05-01T13:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I started reading this book, How (Not) to Speak of God, by Peter Rollins. It is putting into words thoughts and ideas that I have been processing and musing over for years. I cannot describe the excitement that I have been experiencing the past couple of days as I continue to be captivated by this book. The best part is that I may be able to visit Rollin's church while I am in Europe. Yes!!!
Anyway, he writes from the perspective of the "emerging church" and calls not for a change in what we believe, but a change in how we believe. I love it, because essentially, it is the "why" (why and how do we believe) that is transformed, not the "what" (what we hold to be true about our faith and our beliefs). He calls for an embracing of the mystery of God, for Christians to find unity in the process of being transformed in the arms of the Beloved instead of division in their attempts to understand and describe the Beloved.
Most of all, I love Rollins reflections on love. He very pointedly explains how the Church has fallen away from love as the primary force that draws us to God and instead attempts to use either word (building an apologetic case based on reason and logic) or miracles (building an apologetic case based on the supernatural) to present faith in such a way that to reject it would seem completely irrational. I am ashamed to admit that I have attempted to use both approaches at various times in my life (naively praying for God's assistance in these attempts). Yet, this decision that we so passionately long for people to make for Christ is not based upon love, but out of obligation resulting from the accumulated evidence that we have presented. Why then do we marvel at the lack of love demonstrated by Christians and at their lack of understanding of God's love for them? Rollins states, "...for love will say 'yes' regardless of uncertainty. A love that requires contracts and absolute assurance in order to act is no love at all."
If you are still following me, Rollins concludes that this love that we seek and that we long to make known to others is not something that can be worked up to or created. To become a person born of love, transformed by love, and one who God uses to transform the world with love, we can only let go and be open to God's transforming love in our lives. Now how does that affect our approaches toward evangelism???
I love the conclusion that, "Speaking of God is never speaking of God but only ever speaking about our understanding of God." I realized that just as we can never fully know or understand another person, not even our spouse, we will never fully know or understand God. And, God is love, meaning although I am committed to spending the rest of my life delving into the mystery of love, it is a mystery that was never intended to be solved, and therefore, something that I can never fully explain or define. Meaning that I cannot speak of God, I can only speak of that which I understand about His nature, fully recognizing that it is still a mystery to me. As Paul expounds upon this concept of the mystery of love/God, "We can see and understand only a little about God now, as if we were peering at his reflection in a poor mirror; but someday we are going to see him in his completeness, fact to face. Now all that I know is hazy an dblurred, but then I will see everything cleraly, just as clearly as God sees into my heart right now" (I Corinthians 13:12).
Yet, it is this mystery, this constant venture into the unknown, that draws us in even closer and more passionately to that which we desire to understand. Once, all has been known and figured out, the passion to pursue quickly dissipates and boredom sets in leading us to move on to something else. Praise God that he hides himself from us in order to captivate us and keep us enthralled in the mystery of love.

The Holiday

2007-04-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching The Holiday. What a great movie! I must admit that with my upcoming departure to Europe, there is a part of me that longs to be swept off my feet and fall madly in love with my own personal "Graham." If life were only like the movies!
What is it about infatuation that consumes us? It is rather a love/hate relationship, don't you think? Who really wants to experience that heart pounding, can't catch your breath, whimsical feeling, sleepless nights, where you feel like you are just hanging onto reality by a thread, about to be picked up in a crazy whirl wind of emotional chaos? Why is this incredibly distressful, yet somehow absolutely wonderful feeling so addictive, so attractive, so electrifying? My best friend said that research has shown that your brain waves are actually altered when you are in this state, causing your brain to appear similar to those who are high on heroin. Now there's a disturbing thought!
To skip the story and get to the point (yes, that's a first, I know!), I have been slowly coming to believe that I may actually, one day, be able to experience this intensely whimsical feeling again. I've been talking to the Lord a lot about this, because He and I are on a "honeymoon" of sorts, during this time of travel and adventure, and I was wondering why he was wanting me to learn about infatuation. I thought I was on a quest to learn about true love, and I have always thought infatuation to be a bit dangerous and ultimately shallow.
I want to share with you my interpretation of His response:
"Jenn, I want you to feel this way again, because you need to know what you do to My heart. I want you to embrace your every emotion, every thought, every desire for what it is. As you wrote about infatuation, so passionately describing the gut wrenching experience of falling in love, don't despise the experience, writing it off as shallow and fleeting. Embrace this feeling you long for, the fullness of all the emotions whirling around inside of you. Do you think that you, being made in my image, are the only one who feels that emotion? Do you think that I would allow my creation to experience something that I, your creator, do not intimately know? Really, now. What do you take me for? I want you to feel this. I want you to know it, to embrace it, to live it and love it. Because, my dear one, this is how I feel about you. When I see you so alive, when I see that glimmer in your eye, and the radiance of your smile, and feel the pounding of your heart as you love life and live it to the fullest, it sends me soaring! I am so infatuated with you! So in love with you! I can't stop thinking about you! I knew if you never felt that feeling again, if you didn't long for and experience the depths of purely infatuating, intoxicating love, you wouldn't understand that this is how I feel about you, in this moment. I want you to know that this is what you do to me. You make me love sick for you!"
I have never felt so loved! It is one thing to be truly in love with someone, there is nothing that compares to true, unconditional love (So I want to believe, anyway). But there is a high, an excitement, that comes from infatuation. Yes, it can be dangerous, shallow, and fleeting, or it can be just the beginning of a magical journey into the depths of another's soul leading to a love far and beyond what you ever dreamed could exist.

Let the Drama Begin

2007-04-14T12:50:00.000-07:00

I love my family, I miss my family, but it has only taken two days to remember why I do not live near my family!
Today, my cousin got married. Today was also my sister's 21st birthday. Unfortunately, my sister's birthday got completely overlooked in the midst of all the wedding excitement.
My attempts, along with her fiance's, to make it a special day were not quite enough to compensate for the oversight of the rest of the family. It didn't help that when we took her out for a drink tonight, we were informed that, "This is a country bar. We don't serve Margaritas, " after I had ordered two and we were given bottles of Tangerine Zuma instead. Not exactly what I had in mind for our night out on the town.
So, I just got finished with an hour long counseling session with my sister attempting to help her calm down enough to go to sleep. I hate it when people get so wrapped up in themselves, that they don't realize how they are affecting other people. I know that I am just as guilty of this as anyone else, but it just broke my heart to see my sister feeling so dejected and so overlooked.
The most powerful gift that we can offer anyone is to make them feel special, valuable, and loved. Yet, how often do we miss these opportunities every day? Do we even stop to think that just a simple, "Hello" or in this case, "Happy Birthday!" could make or break another person's day?
But, in the words of Mitch Baylor, "If it wasn't this... it would be something else." My family feeds on drama, or so it seems. Maybe that is why my dad and I love the outdoors so much. I love the peace, the calm of hiking among the trees, climbing on rocks, and sitting quietly by a river listening to the water gently flowing from some mysterious starting point to some unknown destination, never stopping, but never rushing to get there.

Family, Weddings, and Painful Memories

2007-04-14T12:46:00.000-07:00

I'm back in the states and finally got some sleep (I got about 3 hours of sleep over the past 3 days), so I have been a bit tired.
It's weird to be back with my family. It's the little things that are unnerving. Like the fact that I got my nose pierced and only one person has even commented on it. I have gotten several "I hardly recognized you comments," and even my own parents walked right past me in the airport. The odd thing is that I don't just look different, I am different. This is hard for everyone, because we are all trying to figure out how to make the family system work with this newly shaped piece in the puzzle. It hasn't been bad, just promises to stay interesting.
My cousin is getting married tomorrow. We had the rehearsal dinner tonight. Since last summer, I have consistently gotten a sick feeling in my stomach every time I hear the word marriage or wedding (this is not good, because I have several friends getting married, my cousin, and even my sister). It just carries with it this sense of impending doom and idea that love is more or less an illusion that inevitably leads to heart break and disappointment. But, I had to sit through the rehearsal and will be sitting through the ceremony tomorrow. It's not that I feel like their marriage is doomed, actually I think they are perfect for each other. It's just my own thing, my own process of dealing with my past.
As I watched them up there in front of the church, I remembered what I was thinking and feeling that night four years ago. I remember how my heart felt like it was going to explode, it was so full of love and expectation. I remember the joy and the hope that I had as I playfully danced down the aisle, laughed with my friends, and dreamt about the wonderful life that I was about to begin. I remember looking deeply into his eyes and longing to be one with this man that I was about to entrust with my entire life, heart, and soul.
I sat there tonight trying not to cry as I thought about how naive and innocent I was then. I thought about all that transpired after that fateful day and how I truly did keep my vow (til death do us part). I stayed until everything inside of me was dead, until all I wanted was to be dead.
God's grace and His love saved my life, but can they save my heart? Is it possible to love that way again? Is it possible to have your heart shattered into a million pieces, have your dreams and your hopes thrown back in your face, live through the pain of putting your life back together once everything has fallen a part and then risk it all over again?
I know that God's perfect love casts out all fear, I have experienced that first hand. But to be honest, I still have one fear that has not been touched by His love. My deepest fear is that I will not be able to passionately love with such trust, such expectation, such joy and vulnerability ever again. And, somewhere even deeper, is the fear that, aside from God, no one will ever be able to passionately love me in return.

Japan:Day Fourteen

2007-04-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

April 11, 2007

Yes, I know that last Wednesday was one of the best days of my life, but today may actually have surpassed it. Unfortunately, this day, as wonderful as it was has ended in unavoidable "Wabi/ Sabi," but I'll explain that in a moment.
This was our last day in Japan. We leave for the airport before the sun comes up tomorrow, so tomorrow doesn't really count (but since I am flying out on a different flight, I will have a good 6-7 hours in the Narita airport). Instead of going into Tokyo, we decided to go to Nikko to do a little hiking and see the waterfalls. We took a vote last night and, surprisingly, Nikko won out over Tokyo and seeing the Emperor's Palace. I was stoked, because otherwise, I was prepared to do the trip by myself. It may have been more of an adventure than I was up for considering I have failed to master more than four Japanese words in my two weeks here and would have had to manage the train and bus system on my own.
Anyway, David drove our team, plus Heidi and her brother, Joel, to the mountains. It was a long van ride, and unfortunately, I had a little too much coffee and water (yes, I remembered my water bottle this time!) for breakfast. I wasn't the only one to overdo it on the liquids, though, so, we made an emergency rest stop on the way. I had a first time experience that I hope will also be a last time experience. They have these wonderful Asian style toilets, that can only be referred to as squatty potties. Yes, it is more or less a hole in the floor, and I had the wonderful privilege of squatting over the potty. But, as Sam would say, "I needed to make my bladder gladder," and this primary goal was accomplished.
The mountains were unbelievably beautiful and the waterfalls rivaled and surpassed any waterfalls I have ever seen. Those of you from Redding are most likely doubting the credibility of this statement, because you know what beautiful waterfalls are all about, but you haven't seen anything yet!
Up until today, I wasn't sure if I would ever make it back to Japan. I have loved my time here, and I have loved the people I have played and prayed with, but I don't feel a call to the Japanese people, and I don't really have a passionate heart for the culture. All that taken into consideration, I just wasn't sure if Japan would make it to my top priority list again in the near future. But today changed all of that. I will be coming back to Japan and I will be camping at Nikko (at least that is my dream plan). Don't know when and don't know how at this point, but it was like a taste of heaven.!
At one spot this afternoon, I felt as though I had walked into the land of Narnia. I sat on the top rail of this bridge and soaked in the magic of it all. As you can see from the picture, words just cannot describe it. Words can't really describe the nasty sulfuric smell released from the hot springs there, either. Ironically, I almost appreciated the smell, because it reminded me that I was still alive and had not just died and walked into heaven itself. I ran on rocks, climbed up mountains, caught snowflakes on my tongue, dangled my fingers in ice cold streams of water, and found 45 seconds of divine peace, when the world for one minute was absolutely perfect, as I laid stretched out on a log that suspended over the lake.
Yes, Japan, I will be back. I will be back with my backpack, a tent, my Bible and a journal, and I will not leave until I have explored the height, the width, the breadth, and the depth of all that you have to offer.
I "ate mangoes naked" today. Okay, so I wasn't exactly naked, a far cry from it actually. But as I sat in the van on the ride home, wrapped up in a "borrowed" airline blanket and eating dried mangoes, I knew what it meant to love life. I embraced thoughts and emotions that I haven't experienced in years, feelings that I doubted that I would ever truly be able to experience again. Yet, in that moment a mist the intensity of colliding arrays of thoughts, feelings, and emotions, I never felt more alive!
The Japanese have a saying, "Wabi/Sabi" which according to the website that I just looked at is an, "honoring of the imperfection and impermanence of by preferring the flawed to the perfect/Valuing the imperfect/The Beauty of Imperfection." Joel explained this word to me today and said that it is more a "feeling" than anything that can be concretely defined, maybe best translated as nostalgia.
So, as I sit here trying to write my final Japan journal entry, I feel "wabi/sabi" and cannot seem to shake the nostalgic feeling of having loved my life here so deeply and yet so quickly needing to leave behind that which I have fully embraced and move forward to begin another adventure full of uncertainties and the unknown.
I am sitting here trying not to burst into tears as I think about how painful loving life can be. It is unbearably wonderful and painful all at the same time. As I have learned how to deeply treasure every moment (or at least more moments than ever before) and truly practice the presence of people, loving them deeply, unconditionally, unreservedly (as unreservedly as a 100% German woman can love), I have embraced the fullness of life.
The only aspect of life that I cannot seem to bring myself to embrace is how quickly it vanishes and how fleeting it truly is. I have longed to freeze time. As Claire, in the movie Elizabethtown, snaps pictures with her imaginary camera in attempts to capture a memory, I have taken so many snapshots with my mental camera over the past two weeks, yet I cannot hold onto them. I have stopped so many times, longing to freeze time, to keep the memory, the image, the presence of a person just a little bit longer, but I can't. Time just continues to tick away and that which seemed so perfect for a second is here and gone making the moment suddenly imperfect, since it is now covered with the sense of loss and the knowledge that it will never be recaptured in just that way ever again.
Ironically, for the most part, it hasn't been the perfect moments that I have longed to hold on to, but those moments that have given me the chance to practice finding pleasure in the little and/or imperfect things. I have learned to hold loosely to my expectations and focus on the experience at hand, instead of the hoped for experience that I had originally envisioned.
Wabi/Sabi…life is beautiful. Yes, love life, embrace life, laugh, cry, and treasure each moment in the midst of imperfection, because it is the imperfections and the impermanence of it that reminds us that we are alive.

Answered Prayers

2007-04-10T12:52:00.000-07:00

I have heard people say, "Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it," and well, I have recently translated that into, "Be careful what you pray for, becaue God just might decide to give it to you."
Have you ever prayed for something perfectly calculating how receiving it would leave you and everyone around you so much better off? Have you ever tried to convince God of how important it is that you receive this special request, and that you recieve it now?
Well, maybe I am the only one that occasionally thinks that I know better than God what I need, but nonetheless, it was not that long ago that I found myself crying out to God for one particular thing and explaining to Him my absolute need for it. So, in His abundant mercy, He saw fit to make sure that I got my heart's desire.
Oh, yes, it had the desired affect, but there were other things that I failed to take into consideration. So, after two sleepless nights, i am still no better off than I was before, except that now I know better than to try to play God thinking that I know what I need and when I need it better than He does. Or maybe this is all some perfectly laid scheme from the Lord to help me overcome jetlag when I get back to the states, since I can't sleep now and can't wake up in the mornings. Yes, that must be it! But, just in case, I think I will be a bit more careful what I pray for in the future :-)

Japan: Day Eleven

2007-04-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

April 8, 2007

Happy Easter! I can't believe it is Easter already! I have been really focusing on seizing the day and attempting to live in the moment, with the hope that it would somehow help me slow down time. Unfortunately, it really isn't working! I think part of the problem is that I am having so much fun, and I just wish that I could freeze time and live each day over and over until I get tired of it. Anyway, today was another awesome day with nothing special and everything precious and extraordinary all backed into one! The Easter service was nice, but it was in Japanese, so I could only make out the obvious. Which in Japan is not very much at all! Thankfully, Dale translated the sermon for us so we weren't entirely lost. The sermon was amazing! David spoke from Matthew 28 with a unique twist, how Jesus casts out all fear. I really appreciated it, because it is exactly what the Lord has been teaching me. I had this revelation, too. As I said a few days ago, I knew that I didn't fully agree with the statement that we need to do what's right because there are consequences for our mistakes, but I didn't know why. I figured it out in church today. Jesus says "Fear not!" and his perfect love casts out all fear. Never once does Jesus tells us to be fearful. So, I concluded that anytime we make a decision out of fear, we are falling short of the Lord's ideal for us. We should never do anything out of fear, which is why I don't agree with doing what is right to avoid negative consequences, that is fear based. We should do what is right because it feels right and good and most loving to us and those around us. Also, I tried to figure out what "holy fear" would look like because we are to "Fear the Lord" and I think it is an honor/respect thing., not a fear thing. Fear is when we focus on ourselves and what we will experience. Honor/respect or a "holy fear" is a focus on the other person, or God, not on us. Don't know… Still processing… think it might lead to something fairly profound though, once I wrap my mind around it. So, we had a huge meal after church with everyone. Then some of us shared our testimonies. I shared mine, which was very humbling, because I mentioned where I have come from, and where I am going, and well, facing the greatest fear of my life and surviving. Anyway, I think someone, maybe, was blessed. Who knows? Anyway, after everyone left, the chairs were all put up against the wall and the tables put away, and it was a perfect place to dance. I took my iTunes and blasted the worship music for 2 hours while I danced like I haven't danced in years. It was amazing! I felt so alive and so refreshed. I was so full of joy and was actually able to express it as I spun and twirled in my favorite, sleek, black dress. Yes, life is good! Everyone went shopping while I was worshiping, so I convinced Sam to go back with me after dinner. We found some crazy fun outfits and tried them on just for kicks. Yes, it was fun! I wanted to buy something "Japanese" but it was a bit out of my price range. I did buy a hooded sweat shirt with some Greek lettering on it, though. I wonder if people would notice if I told them it was Japanese??? That about sums up my Easter.

Japan: Day Nine

2007-04-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

April 6, 2007

I got to sleep in this morning. It would have been absolutely wonderful, except for the slight scratchy, tight feeling in my throat and the achy feeling that saturated through every muscle of my body. I remembered waking up several times last night feeling extremely cold, and I immediately felt a new wave of chills wash over me. Everyone else seemed quite chipper, but I seemed incapable of returning even the smallest smile as I drug myself out from under my covers and made my way into the kitchen. Vangi gave me a knowing smile and offered to make me a fresh pot of coffee. I tried to comfort myself with the thought that I was soon to enjoy a strong cup of coffee and some blueberry pancakes, but even my favorite breakfast offered little relief to my achy and cold body. I curled up on the couch with Eryn while she drew pictures of "Baby Moses." Eryn entertained us with stories of Moses and "Sparkles" the ballerina while her mom made pancakes and bacon. It was my turn to lead devotions this morning, and I wish I could say that I was excited, but all I could really focus on was how I could get and keep myself warm. The Kindervaters have this amazing coffee table called a kotatsu. It has a heater build into it. A big fluffy blanket hangs over the legs and then they sit the top of the table over the blanket and a cozy cove of warmth is created for your legs and feet as you sit on the floor around the table. I wrapped myself up in my supper soft blanket and stuck as much of me as possible under the table as I prepared to discuss I John 4:18, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment/punishment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." We discussed our fears and how an understanding of God's perfect love can remove those fears. I shared parts of my story and how I came face to face with all my deepest fears all at once this past summer. I attempted to explain how God revealed His perfect love to me during that time and how I no longer live in fear. The hard part about all this is that it is not until we each personally come to a place where we desperately need this love that we can fully understand the fullness of His message. It's so frustrating to know something intellectually, but not really know it in your spirit. But, what more can I do, but share what I know and what I have experienced and pray that one day it will be revealed and understood in the core of those who know it intellectually. I am laughing because I know that until I faced my fears, lived my fears, I did not need God's perfect love because His conditional love was enough. Not only was His conditional love enough, but I liked it better because somehow it made me feel good about myself. It made me feel like I was doing something to deserve His love and to secure it through my good choices and actions. It made me feel like I had some control over my life and over the love that I received or did not receive. Yes, I am sure that what I am writing here only has meaning for those who are acutely aware of the void that fear has created in their own lives. Those who have only known security are only slightly agreeing or maybe even disagreeing with me at this moment. Someone in our group this morning felt the need to emphasize that we have to try to do right and that there are consequences for our mistakes. I don't disagree, but at the same time, I don't agree. But, I will touch on that in a minute. We also talked about how tempting it is to think that we have to clean up our own mistakes, or when we recognize our sinfulness, make ourselves presentable before entering back into close relationship with the Lord or with those around us. Yes, I know that philosophy all too well and have been working hard at destroying it in my own life. Anyway, I ended up feeling quite sick all day. It was a mild form of the flu, but enough to make doing anything aside from sleeping seem a bit too exhausting. I did manage to do some reading, though. There is this book, Practicing the Presence of People, that I had to read prior to my senior year of college ,since I was a "Life Group Intern." I remember not really appreciating the book and wondering why our college chaplain and Life Group overseer had felt it so important that we read it. Somehow, this very unappreciated book, had made the cut when we moved to California, occupying a lonely space on our overstuffed bookshelf. And, somehow, I had managed to get it, and about six other books, when I moved out. Don't know how or why, and especially don't know how it came along with me to Japan, considering the fact that my bags were stuffed to the max with all my "essentials." But, none the less, here it was in my torn luggage bag and I felt the sudden urge to give it another chance. Just like with the message that I attempted to share during this morning's devotions, sometimes books have little to no impact at one stage in your life and then, suddenly, the words seem to leap off of the page and penetrate your heart, changing you forever. I have not been able to put the book down! It seems to be putting into words the cry of my heart and confirming the truths that God has been speaking to me over the past several months. This quote stood out the most and is one of the core truths that I plan to write about in my own book. "I'd like to tell the church to let people be human. I'd like them to learn enjoy humanity, both their own and others'. To enjoy and to accept humanity with all its warts and weaknesses, without pulling away in fear or judgment--this is the one thing the church doesn't know. Most churches, I think, are frightened of human beings." Wow! That says it all right there! I couldn't have said it any better myself, yet this is a message that not very many people in the church can hear or understand. We are so afraid of using and abusing God's grace that we dismiss it and avoid it all together. God! Your perfect love casts out all fear. Knowing your perfect love gives us the ability to enjoy and accept our own humanity and the humanity of others instead of hiding and running in fear of it. Yes, there are consequences to our mistakes and to making poor choices, but that consequence is not falling out of favor and grace with God. So, why then does it so often entail falling out of favor and grace with others and the church? Why is our humanity seen as wrong, instead of embraced and thought of as opportunities to learn and let God complete the work He has begun in us? It's Good Friday. I briefly made my way over to church tonight and had a powerful experience receiving communion and reflecting upon Jesus' journey to the cross. All I could think about was His selfless love, the pain of His love that cost Him his life. I wept as I thought about the pain of loving others. There is nothing more rewarding, yet nothing more painful than loving someone else. Love costs us everything, but it is everything and the only thing of lasting value in life. I thought about the people I have loved during the course of my life, and those who may never understand or know the fullness of my love for them. I thought about the times where my love cost me everything and caused me pain that words could never fully capture, and yet it will never be understood by the one I loved so deeply. Is this not how Jesus feels when we don't understand or accept his love? Yet, He did it not for what he would receive in return or with any thought to its cost, but out of his uncontainable love for us and as a demonstration of what true love really is all about. He says pick up your cross and follow me. Is this not a command to love as He has loved, to love unconditionally, expecting nothing in return, but willing to let the pain of love cost us everything, even our lives? Love is greater even than death and can resurrect us when the pain of love has stripped us of the very life within. Perfect love casts out all fear and will eventually give us a new life in return for the brokenness that sometimes results from such a powerful display of unconditional love.

Japan: Day Eight

2007-04-05T12:35:00.000-07:00

April 5, 2007

Today will go down as one of the best days of my life thus far. For me, it is the little things that bring the greatest joy, I don't think that I would classify myself as very high maintenance. I got to climb trees, one of my favorite activities in the world, swing on a zip-line, and I got to hike down to the Okutama River and run along the banks, dancing in the sun and climbing on the rocks, my favorite activity in the whole world! Oh, did I mention that I was hiking among thousands of bamboo trees? Yes, it was absolutely wonderful! As if that were not quite enough, our entire team went to Mitake Mountain and took a cable car to the top. Once there, we were able to continue climbing up trails to the very top of the mountain, where we concluded our journey with a cup of green tea and authentic Japanese delicacies in a beautiful tea room overlooking a breathtaking view of the cities below. Yes, it was a wonderful afternoon! On our way home, we stopped for a dinner at Watamin-Chi. This was my first opportunity to experience an authentic Japanese restaurant. We had to take off our shoes and place them in a locker before going to our seats. They provided slippers for us when we wanted to go to the "toile'." Since a picture is worth a thousand words, and I can't begin to remember the names of all the different dishes that we tried, you can just take a look at the feast we enjoyed. I thought it was all wonderful, especially the Miso soup! I tried Miso soup in the States once and could not understand how anyone would choose to partake of this disgusting dish ever, let alone on a regular basis (the Japanese typically eat this soup everyday for breakfast). After last night, I have a completely different opinion of Miso soup and will definitely miss it once I leave Japan. We didn't leave the restaurant until after 9pm, but the streets were still packed with people. Carmen was a bit obsessed with pictures and ended up having Denise and I pose with a group of drunk college students. It made for an interesting evening! She justified this by giving them all "gospel coins" which she seemed sure they would read tomorrow morning after they sobered up. I'm not quite so sure, but I haven't laughed that hard in a long time! The train station was also packed with people rushing to and from who knows where. Even when we made it back to our final destination, well after 10pm, there were still crowds of people everywhere and seats were impossible to come by on the trains. This time, I strategically positioned myself with my back against the doors of the train. I learned from my previous encounter on a crowded train that it is better safe than sorry! It does make you wonder why all these men and women are not home with their families, but then again, when Americans are home with their families they are typically glued to the television, so I'm not sure it is all that different. Funny little side story: Before lunch, we took the children for a walk along the road above the river. Erica wanted me to hold her, so I ended up carrying her the entire way there and back. It's a good thing I have built up strong arm muscles carrying those heavy Olive Garden trays the past couple of months! Anyway, on the way back, this very cute and innocent two year old, put her hand on my breast, looked up at me, and in a very matter of fact tone stated, "Baby milk."

Japan: Days 5,6, and 7

2007-04-04T12:33:00.000-07:00

Rainy Days, Flying Socks, and Toothless Smiles
April 2, 2007
Today was a day filled with packing, traveling, and settling into the field forum, which was in an area of Japan called, Okutama. We traveled about 3 hours by train to a Christian conference center. The center reminded me a lot of Camp Sequenota and the times I went to summer camp there as a child. I absolutely love being out in nature, surrounded by beautiful mountains!
I have discovered that riding the trains in Japan is most definitely a cultural experience. It is amazing what a different experience it is to take the train in Japan compared to a metro or subway in America. As we were getting on the train, I realized that if I was in NY, I would not have my money in my back pocket, a laptop in my backpack and be very nonchalantly glancing around at those surrounding me. For the most part, the Japanese are very private, keep to yourself type people. They were all sitting very quietly either sleeping, listening to music, or reading a book. Even those obviously traveling together were not interacting with each other, and all those reading books had book covers over their books so that no one would know what they were reading.
I thought I would adapt to the culture around me, so I plugged in my ipod and pulled out my book, Eating Mangos Naked. As I sat there reading, I quickly realized the logic behind the book covers, because I caused quite a stir among my team as they noticed what I was reading. It made me wonder what exotic books might be hiding behind those innocent book covers that I saw all around me J
April 3, 2007
I was the first one to bed last night, but not the last one up. I ventured down to the "Bath Room." This is literally a room where you take baths. I am glad that after 26 years, I have finally gotten over the intense modesty that I used to have and am now a bit more comfortable with this type of thing, or as comfortable as you can be in the midst of a room designed for 8 women to shower and bathe together. Well, nothing I haven't seen before, right? You wash off outside of the bath and then you soak in the tub after you have completely washed off. I was looking forward to soaking in the tub, but no one told me that it is only hot at night. Therefore, my big toe touched the water and then I ran back to soak under the hot water of the shower for another few minutes before starting my day.
Well, for all of you who thought that the crazy get to know you, ice breaker games, were just an American convention, rest assured they transcend into every culture and people. Or maybe not, I am here with a group of missionary families from America and Canada, so maybe they just brought them over to Japan. Regardless, this afternoon, I found myself blindfolded and dodging sock bullets as they flew at my head. Yes, that's right, I said "sock bullets." We also played name games, and a crazy Bible game where you had to say books of the Bible without showing your teeth and trying to make others laugh and show their teeth. This was by far the most profound cultural experience I have had so far ;-)
In Japan, there is a proper way to do everything. It takes the saying, "if you are going to do something, do it right" to a whole new level. You NEVER wear shoes inside. There is a specific place for your shoes the moment you step into a building and slippers waiting to embrace your feet the second you step out of your shoes. Now, I don't mind this entirely, but it sure makes me dislike my tennis shoes. Now, once you and your slippered feet make it into the house, church, or other building do not get too comfortable because you cannot walk with slippers on the mats in the bedroom and if by chance you need to use the "toilet", there are specific "toilet" slippers that you need to wear because as anyone knows who has ever cleaned the floor of a bathroom, these can be quite dirty as well. When standing in line, you stand quietly and directly behind the person in front of you. You don't draw attention to yourself. These are just a few of the "proper" things that I have picked up on since arriving in Japan several days ago. They are also ideals that I doubt I will continue practicing once I leave.
For those who don't know, I am leading a Bible Study for the teenagers of the missionaries here at the forum. I feel quite inadequate and am basically flying by the seat of my pants, but what's new? I started by having everyone do a collage over the cover of their study guides. One side was to reflect who they feel that they are now and who they are expected to be, and the other side was to reflect who they hope to become in the future.
The over all theme of the study was to help them figure out what they want to do with the rest of their lives, specifically career wise. We talked about expectations and the pressure to do and be who other people expect us to be. We talked about how work is only work when there is something else that you would rather be doing, and therefore, if we can discover what it is that makes us feel alive and what we are passionate about and figure out how to make money while doing it we will be set.
I love when I am working through issues that I am supposed to be teaching and helping others work through. I always feel like I have no right to be sharing with them, but at the same time, I can really empathize. I was struck by just how hard it is to not conform to expectations. It is a lot easier living in CA to be an individual and to be true to my myself than it is here. I don't exactly fit in, here. I stand out like a sore thumb among these people. I have this flaming red hair, spunky hair cut, and pierced nose, and a different style of dress from everyone else. I look different, but on the inside, I am not quite as different as I look on the outside. I want to be a bit more free, a bit more wild. Yes, it is uncomfortable to stick out, but it is also uncomfortable to hold myself back. It is hard to get those looks that you know are sizing you up and trying to assess whether you are really a "good Christian" despite the "rebellious" appearance. As I thought about this, though, I realized that it is harder, yet to endure the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I now recognize when I am not true to who I really am. I just have to keep figuring out who that is!
I don't really know what I'm feeling, tonight. I miss home. I miss everyone I love and all those who love me. I miss hanging out with those who know me and those who I know. It's not that I don't love these people, and it's not that we aren't all getting along just fine, but there is so little intimacy. There is so little real sharing and interacting. Everything is about what we are "doing" for the Lord, but I just want to "be" with Him while I'm with others. I want to go deep into issues of my heart and their hearts and God's heart. I want to soak in life and share it with others.
April 4, 2007
"Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day." I had been looking forward to going to the mountains today, but just about the time that we were going to leave, a huge clap of thunder rippled through the building and a torrential downpour erupted in the sky. No, it looks like I will be taking a nap, instead.
I had been under the impression that the Japanese culture, in general, eats significantly less than the American culture. This concept was reinforced by the addition of the "short" size at Starbucks. But, here at field forum, it became apparent that this is not entirely accurate. We have breakfast at 8am, with more than enough for everyone. Then there is a coffee break with snacks at 10:30am. Lunch is at noon and another coffee break at 3pm. Dinner is at 6pm, with a light dessert, and a final coffee and snack break to end the evening at 9:30pm.
Back in October when I was denied the opportunity to give blood at the blood drive due to not meeting the weight requirement, I had determined that I should gain a little weight. Due to this new eating schedule, my clothes are a bit tight, and I am beginning to think that I have far surpassed my goal. Oh-well, live it up, right?
The missionaries had all completed a shortened version of the Meyer's Briggs test on the internet prior to arriving at Field Forum and they all wore name takes displaying their particular personality profiles. This made for some interesting mealtime discussions. I discovered that I am most definitely an introvert and that I am a "P" which I think stands for Perceptual versus the alternative of Judgemental. There are only three "P"s here and they are all men. The primary characteristic of the judgmental "J"s is that everything needs to be planned and go according to their schedule. I realized that I am a very easy going, take life as it comes type person. Now this may surprise some of you due to my previous perfectionist tendencies, but I am in the process of stripping off these parts of me that I created to appease others and tapping into who I really am. I am not a planner, hence my lack of itinerary for my trip to Europe, and I love to take life as it comes, be led by the Spirit, so to speak. Who knows how many amazing opportunities we miss out on due to our set schedules and our plans? Maybe it works well for some, but I don't think it is how God created me to work. I guess we'll find out once I get to Europe!
I concluded the Bible study with the teens tonight. As would be the case, it was the first session where people actually started to open up and talk. I should have said it was the last session three sessions ago, then we may have made some real progress J It was a lot of fun, though because we all went around in a circle and told each other what we appreciated most about them and what we have observed to be their greatest assets. I think everyone left feeling uplifted and encouraged. I don't know how much they learned from our four hours together, but hopefully they will at least remember it as fun. I wrote down three main points in the front of their study guide books so that if they ever look at them again, they can at least pull on a few inspiring thoughts. Or at least I want to hope that they are inspiring thoughts.
Oh, yes, it finally all came out this afternoon. I was wondering when someone on the team would ask about my story. Granted, I didn't make it easy because I haven't mentioned the fact that I was married to anyone since I have been here. It felt good, though, to be able to answer their questions and feel like they at least had a better understanding of who I am and why.
It was interesting, though. There is such little true understanding of God's grace in this culture. Last night, Sam said in Bible study that she has a friend who uses grace as "fire insurance" and feels she can do whatever she wants to do and then just ask for forgiveness. In a sense that is true, but she is the one who is missing out. I think that is what we fail to understand. We think that it is about earning God's favor by doing what is right, but when we take a detour, God doesn't feel any differently about us at all, we are the ones who feel different. We are the ones who have the learning to do, and we are the ones who are missing out on the love, both from ourselves and that heart connection with the Father. As soon as we turn back to Him, though, he is there waiting to embrace us.
It puts a whole new twist on the "prodigal son." I don't think we really understand it. We think he was so bad for doing what he was doing, but the father never indicates this. All the father does is run out to meet him and throw this huge party for him. The father's love never faltered, it was the son who was miserable and lonely when he was away from his father. We shouldn't be afraid of being prodigals or allowing others to be prodigals. What an amazing lesson we can learn! How much more appreciative will we be when we come back? How much deeper will we understand the heart of the father? How secure will we be in his love?
The older son, didn't know the father's love and never enjoyed it. He was so focused on doing what he felt was expected of him, that he never embraced the love and freedom that was his. He didn't have joy and excitement when his father's love was so freely and selflessly showered on his brother. That is the church, in general. We don't rejoice as others bathe in God's grace, instead we grumble and feel that we deserve more, because we have obeyed and met all the expectations. The father's heart must be so grieved, because what greater joy is there than to love and to have others know the depths of the love that you have for them? What greater pain is there than to love someone and have them not understand or know the love that you have for them?

Japan: Day Four

2007-04-01T12:31:00.000-07:00

April 1, 2007
Today is Sunday. The Japanese dress up for church, and I decided to wear my designer suit purchased from the one, the only: Target, not exactly a high class department store, but Amy works there, so I love it, anyway. I like to wear this suit when I want to feel good about myself. Just putting it on makes me feel a bit more classy and sophisticated than I do on an average day, I like to think that it makes me act that way, too, but that might be a stretch. One of the few English speaking members of the church made my day. She approached me after the service and stated that she has worked in fashion for the past 20 years. She said that I was quite fashionable and that she very much admired my outfit and my hair style. She was quite impressed, and I was quite encouraged. Yes, thank you, Rick for picking out such a great outfit, and thank you Ruth for yet another terrific haircut! The service was just like your traditional church service, which I realized that I have not experienced in an extremely long time. It was definitely different to sit through a service in Japanese, but the order and the traditions brought back so many memories from time I have spent in Lutheran, Christian Missionary Alliance, and Episcopal churches. Several people shared testimonies and our team did the "special music." I felt bad for all those innocent victims who had to endure my singing, but I sang softly and the other members of the team all have exceptionally good singing voices which helped to temper my own slightly off pitch attempts at making music. I don't really know what happened, but at some point between the special music and the testimonies, I got hit with a major wave of grief. I've been surprised to discover that the grieving process is odd in that you can't schedule it or even predict it. I remember this summer when the major trauma of everything was setting in, and I had to take my finals and write a 6-8 page paper for my Pharmacology class. I kept telling myself that if I could just get those assignments finished and make it through that class, then I could have my breakdown. Well, I finished my papers, took my final, and came home to have the biggest cry of my life. But, no tears would come. I couldn't cry if my life depended on it. I remember sitting there, waiting, thinking it has to come, I've been holding it back for so long, where is it now that I am ready to deal with it. Nope, I couldn't grieve, not then. But, oh, yes, when I was sitting in the airport waiting for my connecting plane back to PA a week or two later, whoosh, there it comes out of no where for no apparent reason. Yes, that is grief for you. So, I sat there in church, trying to indiscreetly wipe away the tears and arguing with God about His impeccable timing. I have become a huge component for embracing my feelings and walking through them instead of stuffing them, but that is a bit difficult to do in the middle of a Japanese church service. Following the service, the sanctuary quickly was flipped around into an intimate dining room setting and we all sat down to a delightful meal of steamed rice and curry. Then, I helped with the children as the rest of the team taught Sunday school. I got to sing, If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands. When was the last time you sang that song??? Although it is fun to dress up and act all mature and sophisticated, I think that I actually have more fun when I simply kick back and let my childlike heart run free! After the time with the children, I went back to my room and did some serious journaling. I processed and more fully embraced the feelings I had to monitor during the church service. I will spare you that part of this journal entry, and simply leave you with the censored version of my journey. So, no juicy details this time. The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. We aired out our futons since it was a nice day and began packing for field forum. Oh, yes, the highlight of my day! How could I forget? I had the most wonderful honor of rocking Erica to sleep this afternoon. I held her on my lap and we discussed Madeline and other fictional characters as she slowly began to relax and curl up into my arms. I sang softly to her and watched as her eyes closed and her body relaxed and molded into mine. I sat there for a while before putting her into her bed. One day, I will get to do this regularly, and I pray that it will be just as meaningful each and every time I rock my own children to sleep. What an honor, to be a symbol of safety and comfort and have another human being trust you so much that they can relax knowing that you will take care of and watch over them while they journey into another world filled with yet to be discovered dreams, fairies, and sunsets.

Japan: Day Three

2007-03-31T12:30:00.000-07:00

March 31, 2007 Today was a nice laid back day for the most part. I was, again, the last person to get out of bed. I could have sworn it was at least 9 or 10am, but alas it was only 7 when I made my way out to the kitchen after reading the entire book of Ecclesiastes. And, no, I am not purposely trying to make myself depressed. As odd as it may seem, I have always found this book inspiring. As I read, I noticed that the theme throughout the book was to eat, drink, and find pleasure in your work or as I interpreted it, seize the day, carpe diem. It is so essential that we embrace each moment because there is no certainty in anything but the moment. It also struck me that the conclusion is to fear God and obey His commandments. If you fast forward that to the Gospel of John, it coincides with knowing who God is and loving Him and others as we love ourselves. There you have it. That is what life is all about, the rest is just vanity. So for all of us driven, type A personalities out there, chill out! Love God, Love yourself, Love others, and Love Life, or simply put, just LOVE, and you will have accomplished all there is to accomplish in this life. How complicated is that? I found that I really related to King Solomon this time. The frustration and the vanity of doing what we do because we think that it will somehow get us something, after all don't you reap what you sow, and then to find out that it rains both on the righteous and on the unrighteous, on good and evil. That is why we can't do things to get something in return. That is why doing things with an expectation will only eventually lead to disillusionment. That is why it is so essential to do what we do out of our heart and for no other reason. That is why anything but love is just vanity. Love can never be vanity, because it is its own reward. Anyway, that is why I love the book of Ecclesiastes and find it so inspiring. I had a nice, strong, hot cup of coffee and some homemade bread. Then I had the pleasure of French braiding Erin's hair as well as Samantha's. I haven't gotten to do someone's hair for a long time and it was a lot of fun! I was of course the last person ready and got to devotions a bit later than everyone else, but everyone's hair looked great! Why do I have such a difficult time being on time? I think I am generally a more laid back person. I like to pour into relationships and I don't like to rush. Not necessarily a good combination with such an accomplishment focused society, but I bet I will fit right in when I get to Italy. Devotions were from Zechariah, "Not by might, not by power, but by my spirit, says the Lord." I wanted to scream, look at the testimony of the last year of my life and what my God is able to do! I wanted to say, look it was "grace, grace" to the mountain that made it a plain, but we didn't get to that verse. I got a bit lost as I thought about how it was God's grace that leveled the mountain of destruction in my life and is now bringing forth a fruitful field of love in its place. "Grace, Grace, Grace!" Oh, how I love grace! We handed out flyers and put them in mailboxes for hours today. It was neat to see all the different houses and just to observe the differences between the Japanese culture and the American culture. First, it would have been illegal to put flyers in mailboxes back home, but, here, I guess it is one of the best and most effective ways to evangelize. I was so dehydrated and exhausted by the time we got back for lunch that I was ready to collapse. Sometimes, I swear that I am one of the most intriguing of all God's creation. I spent $30 on this cool water bottle that filters the water as you drink it, and I have a magnetic holder for the water bottle that I can easily fling over my shoulder and take with me anywhere I go. Yet, what do I do instead? I drink a huge cup of coffee (which in and of itself dehydrates you) and then absentmindedly meander out the door to walk several miles without any water in sight. Smart, Jenn, so very smart! After lunch, we had the rest of the day to work on preparation for Sunday school and for the forum this week. I didn't have much to do, so I plugged into my ipod and spent time working on my journals, the forum you are currently enjoying, and discussing deep and slightly relevant and irreverent subjects with God. It was quite fun, especially to watch the other ladies getting a kick out of watching me lip sink and dance in my seat as I sang along to my "I am woman, hear me roar!" songs. Sometimes, it is the little things that make my heart swell up with so much pleasure that I am not sure that I can even contain it all. Like going for a hike on a perfect sunny day in the middle of God's fabulous creation. Today, I got to experience sitting on the couch with one arm around Erin, the missionary family's 5 year old, and with the other arm holding Erica, their 2 year old, who was snuggling up on my lap. I felt like a million dollars just soaking in their love and giving them love in return. It made me think about how God must feel when I simply stop "doing" all the crazy things I impulsively feel compelled to do for Him and just snuggle up on His lap and let Him wrap His arms around me and hold me close. It all feels so good and it makes me feel so good, and life is just so good, right now, in this moment, no matter what life brings next, it is so wonderful just sitting here. This is a snapshot memory moment, one I will treasure forever, yet so simple...

Japan: Day Two

2007-03-30T12:28:00.000-07:00

March 30, 2007 Today, I felt tall for the first time in my life! Let's start at the beginning, though. I woke up to an empty room and realized that I was indeed the last person to wake up this morning. Somehow, I wasn't exactly shocked at this fact, and, honestly, I could have easily rolled over and gone back to sleep. But, there were noises coming from the kitchen, and the thought of a hot cup of coffee was a strong motivator for dragging myself out of bed and beginning my first day in a new country. I was shocked to realize that it wasn't even 8am, but then again, the time difference most definitely had my internal clock all out of whack. I sat down to the table with some homemade bread and a very strong cup of coffee. Can life get any better than that??? I took a soothing hot shower, and then we all met in the kitchen for group devotions. The theme for devotions was love and the discussion was quite good. Love is a good emphasis since what more can we expect to do in a country where we don't understand the culture and cannot speak the language? All we can really do is love, which in my personal opinion is the most powerful form of evangelism anyway. What I did find interesting, though was that I feel as though I could totally relate to the experience that David , the missionary we are staying with, described as the norm of the Japanese young people. He said they are mostly disillusioned and feel no real purpose for their lives. I, too, know what that feels like, and I have seen how recognizing that I have value and accepting/knowing God's unconditional love has restored hope and my ability to dream and love in return. I think it would be hard to relate to people in this place had I not been there myself, because we are taught that Jesus is supposed to supply the solution to every problem all the time. All I know is that I had Jesus when I also felt hopeless and life felt pointless, I was empty and lifeless. It was not until I came to understand love without expectation, and grace without limits, and freedom to live life to the fullest without fear that I truly found joy and hope in Christ. It was once I moved out from under the law and into grace that I felt alive, that I had hope, and my heart began to beat again. After devotions, we met with some other missionaries, the Woons, who briefed us on the Japanese Christain Alliance churches in Japan and the issues that they face. We enjoyed a few hot cups of tea and some muffins and then came back to the house for lunch. Following lunch, we went to several nearby apartment buildings and put flyers in all the mailboxes inviting people to the Easter program that we will be having for the children next Saturday. It was very odd to be putting things in people's mailboxes, but I guess that is quite acceptable here. Oh, I lost Thursday. Yes, it just disappeared. I left for Japan on Wednesday morning, granted it was a long plane ride, but I went to bed that night and woke up on Friday. That is a bit disconcerting! I was able to console myself slightly once I realized that I will get to relive Thursday, April 12th, twice. Sounds a bit like Groundhog's Day to me, but at least I have not completely lost an entire day of my life somewhere between America and Japan. Jesus loves me, and it is a season for one blessing after another. Therefore, just as I arrived in Japan, the cherry blossoms opened and it just so happens to be the most beautiful time of the year, here. So, we went into Tokyo to a large park and looked at all the cherry blossoms. They were gorgeous and the scenery was breathtaking. It was fascinating to see all the people who had reserved spots in the park with blue tarps, and since it was now early evening, they were beginning to gather in small and large groups to enjoy dinner together. David said that a lot of them would become very drunk and that it would be quite a rowdy place by 10pm this evening. It seemed picturesque at the moment, though. Talk about carpe diem. It made me wonder what the whole experience is like for them. I wonder if they find it fulfilling and enjoyable, or if they are so empty inside that it is the only appeasement that they can find? To me, it seems just heavenly to have some close friends and sit in the midst of beauty and enjoy a nice picnic dinner. But, we learned today that the Japanese are quite eager to speak with strangers about "taboo" subjects because they cannot talk about them with each other. This leads to the conclusion that maybe they really aren't fulfilled in their relationships and this experience which could be so wonderful, so enjoyable, being known and getting to know others, is actually quite empty and shallow, hence the need to get plastered every night before going home from work. We ate dinner at some of the various venders in the park, and I had octopus for the first time (most likely the last time). It was incredibly windy and it got cold pretty quickly, so we made our way back to the train station. We stopped at Starbucks on the way back, though, and I had to take a picture. Yes, there are Starbucks even in Japan. Interestingly, they have four sizes of drinks which start with a "short." This seems to be a quite popular order, here, but I am afraid that Americans would laugh if someone attempted to hand them such a small cup of coffee! As we made our purchases at Starbucks, David said that you never have to count your change to make sure it is correct. He said that, "They would commit suicide first before they would give you the wrong change, it is an honor thing." This way of thinking reminded me of my own personal mindset for so many years. There was no grace for admitting that I made a mistake and backing up and trying over again, and an apology was just not enough. Now, I realize that life is about the journey and that there is not just grace for mistakes, but that mistakes shouldn't even require grace, they are learning experiences, they are to be embraced not scorned. It is only in embracing them that we can maximize them and gain all that they have to offer us. It is so sad how often even when we give grace for mistakes they are still so quickly brushed aside and forgotten due to the embarrassment of our "failure," and then we don't even learn from them. We certainly learn that we don't want to end up in that place again, but we don't take the time to learn what it was that got us there, what it says about us, others, God, the world, etc. What is most sad, though, is that our mistakes often do not draw us closer to God or others. Mistakes, due to their negative connotations often make us feel ashamed, and therefore we withdraw from those around us and even from God. We are embarrassed if we need to be forgiven and distance ourselves until we do whatever penance we feel is appropriate to deserve the grace or to at least regain our prior status in another person's or in God's eyes. Or our other option is to distance ourselves until we change whatever needs to change and then we hesitantly enter back into relationship. I no longer think that this is what God desires from us, but anyway… I just received an e-mail from a good friend cautioning me that some of the Japanese men can be a bit inappropriate on crowded trains, but unfortunately the warning was just a few hours too late. Well, thanks for the heads up, anyway! The trains were crowded on the way home, and I ended up having to stand the entire time. I was oblivious to the situation, but David leaned over and asked me to step in front of him and move to the other side of where he was standing. I thought it was a strange request, but did not ask any questions. Later, he pointed out that a gentleman was crowding me unnecessarily and that it was not a good situation. I was very thankful that someone had been paying attention, otherwise I may have had quite the story to retell tonight! Oh, so I actually felt tall today. After returning from the train station and looking at some pictures we took while on our way to the park, I noticed something quite unusual. I am standing in a crowd of people, and for once in my life, I am actually one of the tallest people around. It was a definite boost to my self-esteem!

Japan: Day One

2007-03-28T12:07:00.000-07:00

March 28, 2007Japan: Day OneI spent the night at a friend's house and they were going to take me to the Redding airport in the morning. I got up early, went for a manicure and pedicure (that is another story for another day) and rushed back to the house fully expecting my friends to be anxiously waiting to take me to the airport. Well, we had a slight misunderstanding on my departure time and they were no where to be found. Long story short, I made it to the airport a mere forty minutes prior to departure only to find out that my luggage was over weight. Then after transferring a few items to my other bag (not knowing that this bag was soon to burst open as they were loading it onto the plane), I got a short reprimand about needing to arrive earlier for international flights, and I proceeded to check in. I found out the hard way that p-nut butter is no longer considered safe to carry onto a plane. I wonder what type of bomb you can create out of all-natural creamy p-nut butter? I also had my half used tube of toothpaste taken from me and handed over to my dear friend who had waited to make sure I made it through the check in process without too many problems. I can only help but wonder what he was thinking as he watched me endure the humiliating process of having my overstuffed carry-on bag dumped out and repacked as my p-nut butter and toothpaste were confiscated. Eventually, I was able to board the plane and made my way to good old San Francisco. After a fairly uneventful trip to San Francisco, I boarded the next plane and began to mentally prepare myself for the 12 hour flight to Tokyo. Frustration surged through my being as I approached my seat and another woman was already sitting in it. It was an aisle seat and I graciously said, "Excuse me, but I think you are in my seat." My frustration was quickly replaced by a mixture of disappointment and embarrassment as she just as graciously informed me that my seat was smack in the middle of the five seat center section of the jumbo jet. Having stuffed each of my two carry-on bags full to the max and carrying my winter jacket and a blanket in hand, since my luggage had been 3 lbs over weight, I clumsily stumbled my way over the two people on my left and dropped everything on my seat wondering if this is truly how a "bag lady" feels. I sheepishly gave a pathetic, pleading look to the two people on my right and motioned to get by them in order to get one of my carry-on bags up into the overhead. I was still too embarrassed to readdress those I had just trampled to get to my seat. I grabbed my water bottle and went directly to the "lavatory" to recompose myself and get some much needed water into my already severely dehydrated body. Regrouping was futile, though, because I immediately realized that there was no chance of fitting my water bottle into the 3 inch deep sink. I stood there stunned and slightly dazed as I thought "This is not how I imagined the beginning of my trip." Eventually, I noticed the tiny paper cups hanging by the sink and recited to myself "Where there is a will, there is always a way." I attempted to will my beet red face to return to its normal shade and took deep breaths to slow my racing heart, as water slowly, oh so slowly, water trickled out of the facet and into the tiny 2 inch cup. I could feel the sweat dripping under my arms and forming on my forehead as I tediously and patiently filled the cup and subsequently dumped it into my 16oz water bottle time after time after time again. 10-15 minutes later, I had a full water bottle and made my way back to my seat, just in time to hear the "In case of an emergency" spiel. Despite the fact that I had serious preparation that I needed to spend the entire flight working on in order to be ready for the Bible study I was to lead in Japan, I gave into to my flawless ability to procrastinate and enter almost any experience at least slightly unprepared, and I decided to start reading this potentially fascinating book, Eat Mangoes Naked, by Sark. Ironically, I immediately found myself absorbed in a redefined "Pollyanna philosophy." Sark discussed finding pleasure in every situation, not denying the frustration, but to embrace it while recognizing that I could also move on from it. Well, I had the recognizing the frustration part down pretty well, I had been practicing that all day!Hmm… pleasure in this 12 hour plane ride in a middle seat. Sark suggested that we make a list of things we can find pleasure in and considering my current attitude, I thought this might be helpful. I thought this until I realized that all of my pens happened to be in the bag stored in the overhead compartment. Somehow that didn't shock me! Sitting there, I slowly became more aware of life in that exact moment. I stopped focusing on what I had expected this trip to start out like, and focused on what was currently happening, instead. I smiled as I noticed the man on my left reading his novel. His mouth hung open as he was obviously absorbed in his story, and it reminded me of two of my favorite people. Both my grandfather and my father get that same look on their face when they are intensely concentrating. Memories of the numerous times I spent hunting with them as a child out in the woods behind my house and how often I had laughingly restrained myself from reaching over to gently push their chin up and close the gaping hole that they were so completely oblivious to, thinking how funny it would be if a fly happened to land on their tongue. "There was an old "man" who swallowed a fly, I don't know why he swallowed that fly…" A wave of pleasure washed over me and I could feel the frustration I had been consumed in gently begin to melt away. I turned to look at the couple to my right recalled the numerous times they had graciously jumped out of their seats to let me out to make my way to the lavatory and even allowed me to borrow a pen so that I could record these "small" pleasures. I soon found pleasure even in the airline food (well, at least until I met up with the rest of my team and heard about the gourmet food their airline served them) and the fact that I got to kick back and watch an interesting movie that I never would have watched had I not been held captive in a middle seat on a 12 hour flight to Tokyo. Who knows, maybe this is not such a horrible way to begin my trip after all? Having never traveled internationally before, the whole check-in and customs experience was quite interesting, especially when I was directed to fill out a form that was in Japanese. Sorry! Not going to happen! When I finally did make it through, picked up my luggage and walked out of the terminal, I realized that I really had no idea who I was looking for. Those I was expecting to meet up with from PA had been delayed due to weather, and I had no idea how to find the missionary who was there to meet us, since I had never even seen a picture of the man. So, I had been told that if I walked through the glass doors, he'd be there to meet me. This sounded a bit vague last week when the team leader described this plan to me over the phone, and yes, it was just a bit too vague tonight in the airport. There I was lugging around a 50 lb suitcase, another big bag that burst open and was now wrapped in tape and a plastic bag, two carry-on bags stuffed to the max, my coat and a sweater as I wandered from terminal to terminal in and out of the various "glass doors." I could have sworn that my arms were going to fall off and after having the "unidentified" missionary paged several times, I gave up and sat down to attempt to find pleasure in the midst of this somewhat frustrating and challenging situation. All the variety of people, how amazing! I used to think my mom was crazy when she would tell me how much she enjoyed "people watching." But, today, I, too, was finding pleasure in observing the people around me. I couldn't help but to smile as I looked into the huge, trusting, innocent eyes of the Asian children who occasionally passed by me. I watched as families reunited and as couples greeted each other with a wave of peace and immediate contentment and joy washing over their faces. I remembered the joy I've felt at times when I've had the opportunity to run into the long awaiting arms of a loved one and the confidence that it provides to face new situations when standing along side someone who loves you. Yes, I felt a twinge of jealousy, yet, I still felt a rush of pleasure both in observing those so fortunate and in recognizing that I could draw on that same confidence within myself. I knew that this trip was an extended, long awaited, honeymoon (so to speak) for me and the Lord and that finding peace in times when I felt so alone was yet another gift and lesson to be learned along this journey. When I finally did meet up with everyone else, I found out that we had a 2 hour van ride to the home where we would be staying. I tried to conceal my disappointment that our trip was still far from over, and attempted to comfort myself with the thought that it was only 3 am Thursday morning back home. That was more disconcerting than comforting, actually. I did get some sleep in the van and then sat down to some hot tea and a delightful little snack before crashing into bed. I looked forward to meeting David and Vangi's three young children in the morning and soaked up the atmosphere of our bedroom as I curled up in my futon on the floor and felt like a character in The Samurai. Yes, today is where my book begins and the rest of my journey is yet to be written. Personal Note: Life is full of pleasure and disappointment all in the same moment. Which will you choose to see and which will you allow to direct your attitude and your disposition?

Unconditional Love

2006-04-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

Unconditional Love
I’ve discovered that when life begins to fall apart at the seams, it typically sends me spiraling into the bottomless pit of incessant introspection. It is these times that cause me to reflect upon the meaning of life. You know, those deep, ambiguous questions that we spend most of our lives running from - even though at some unconscious level, these questions are more than likely the driving force behind all the decisions we make and inevitably the person we become.

This particular life crisis has currently resulted in me contemplating the essence of love. What is love? What is it about love that we think will solve all of our problems? Why do we live our entire lives seeking, hoping, wishing, and longing for true love? And why is it when we think that we may have found it, it slips just beyond our reach?

Well, I've come to believe, at least temporarily, that unconditional love doesn't really exist. And, isn't that what we are all really looking for? Sure, we can find love. We all know how to play the game well enough. We adapt to what we learn is expected, and boom there it is "love". Unfortunately, we cannot really receive this love, at least we cannot fully trust it, because we know deep down we are only playing the game. Would that love really be there if the other person actually knew the real self beneath the facade?

Right, I can't even love the real person underneath the persona that I hide behind, so how could someone else? If I constantly run and hide from that little shadow that tries to rear its ugly head, how could I even dare to risk letting someone else know it is there? Who really cares anyway, because even that "love" that we think we have won through playing our cards just right, that too, can so quickly be retracted.

All of this great wisdom, I received from my parents. Wow! I learned the game quite well. Their perfect little angel, graduating Val Victorian of her class, now how's that for impressive? But, no, I wasn't just a nerd; I was also a musician and a pretty damn good athlete as well. Oh, did I mention that I was notorious in my community for preaching at local churches? Yes, the model teenager. I made every other parent despise their rebellious sons and daughters as they longed to know my parent's secret.

At the time, I was naively unaware of the game I had been born into: play your cards just right and here is the love, baby, make a wrong play and ouch you’re on your own. Unfortunately, fortunately, depends how you look at it, but I didn't figure out the severity of the game until college. Then, sin of all sins, I decided upon a slightly different career path from the one carved out for me by my parents. God forbid! I was traveling down the path of Benny Hinn, not Billy Graham. “Call the prayer lines, folks, start casting out demons, our daughter is possessed! We handed her a perfect life on a silver platter and she didn't want it. How dare she!”

This "rebellion" resulted in threats of every shape and color. Good-bye tuition money, good-bye home, good-bye love. Yes, good-bye love. How devastating to think that you were being loved for 20 years of your life only to find out that one deviant decision could leave you all on your own.

Unconditional love... what is that? We place expectations on those we love, sometimes not to the extreme of my parents, but expectations nonetheless. We place these expectations and we dish out our love in hopes that these expectations will be fulfilled. Now, some of us are more patient than others, believing in the “ministry of transforming love.” "I'm going to love them no matter what" we tell ourselves. What we really mean is "I'm going to love them so that they will change and begin to meet my expectations." So we love and wait, love and wait, and eventually we get tired of loving and waiting and not seeing them change, so we withdraw our love.

Yep, I think it comes down to expectations. Is it possible to love without expectations? Can I really fault my parents for resorting to every tactic they could grasp hold of in order to attempt to force me into fulfilling the expectations they had spent close to a quarter of a century pouring their time, energy, and resources into making a reality? Are we so self centered that any time we offer love we are also asking, "So, what do I get in return?" When we don't get what we expected, what we hoped for, what we expected, we withdraw our love because we know that love is a powerful tool.

Is it no wonder we hide behind personas? We know that even playing the game is risky business, destined to take a wrong turn, even if it is twenty years down the road. Even when we try with everything in us to meet that special person's expectations in hopes of receiving that idealized unconditional love, we will eventually fall short. They will eventually get frustrated because we cannot meet their expectations and slowly, but yes, quite surely, their love is once again withdrawn.

So, the truth behind unconditional love is that there is no truth there. Does it really exist? Can it really exist? A part of me, the romantic, the dreamer, still hangs on with every ounce of hope I can muster, thinking that it may be out there, somewhere... The cynic, the realist inside of me, recognizes that the core of who we are is selfish and self serving. Until this core is transformed, by some yet to be realized miracle, love with out expectations, without conditions is virtually impossible.

Love Is Deep?

2006-04-10T20:14:00.000-07:00

“Your love is deep, Your love is high, Your love is long, Your love is wide...”

I stood there attempting to sing along with the fervently enthused people around me. But, unfortunately, my mouth refused to move and tears began to well up in my eyes. I continued to stand there with my arms folded and trying to hold back the tears, but the incessant singing relentlessly echoed in my ears,

“…Who can separate us from Your love? Nothing can separate us. Nothing can separate us from Your love…”

I realized it was hopeless, and quietly slid outside the conference room and silently crept into the sanctuary at All Saints Episcopal Church.

As I sat in the back pew of the sanctuary, curled up in a ball, with tears streaming down my face, various images flashed through my mind. I saw our white Mazda 626 sitting in the front yard, minus an engine. I saw my only mode of transportation, a used, beat-up bicycle whose chain pops off at least twice every day on the way to work. I saw the piles of bills that I didn’t know how to pay, the two roommates who just a few weeks ago decided they could not handle living with my husband and me any longer and bailed. Thus, leaving us to pay double rent for the remaining nine months of our lease.

As I sat there wondering how the engine in our car could have so abruptly exploded, I realized that it was my life that had exploded, the engine just decided to stop working. Or, maybe it was the other way around? Regardless, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry, and my neatly planned out life had just abruptly burst into caustic chaos. In retrospect, it had been going awry for quite some time, but with each passing day, I was beginning to recognize that it was completely out of control.

Granted, the most current catastrophe centered around our car that needed a new engine, and our budget that needed to be jump-started. These minor issues were compounded by the fact that I was working full-time, attempting to survive a full-time master’s program for Marriage and Family Therapy, and just about to begin my (unpaid) internship. My husband was occasionally working his commission only insurance job, but, due to some health issues, was spending most of his time in bed or watching movies. And, despite all my desperate, strategic attempts at complete denial, I was slowly coming to the realization that my marriage was irrefutably beginning to resemble a shattered illusion instead of a fortified reality.

Regardless of these current life circumstances, we, my husband and I, had decided to support our pastor and attend the “House Church Conference” he was sponsoring this weekend. Why not? It wasn’t like we could take a road trip or anything.

As I sat there in this strange church with all these random thoughts floating through my head, I prayed first that no one would find me here, and, then, I began laying my heart out to a God with whom I was no longer sure I still wanted to be on speaking terms. But, I had no one else to talk to, so I rambled on anyway?

God!
My heart is shattered! Absolutely nothing makes any sense to me. The only thing I feel certain of is this unfolding realization that I know nothing and can control nothing. How can I stand and sing songs about Your love? How can I pretend to think that Your love is deep, high, long, and wide? How can I fool myself into believing that nothing can separate me from Your love?
I don’t know love! I don’t understand love! I cannot receive love and I sure as hell cannot give love!
Even more disconcerting than this is the realization that for ten years of my life I thought I had a pretty good grasp on love, but I can no longer pretend to understand it. Honestly, I don’t think that I believe in love. Aren’t You supposed to be the essence of love? Am I saying that I don’t believe in You? Maybe, at this point, I just don‘t know.
I have always dared to hope that love is something unconditional, unwavering, pure and selfless, safe, worthy of my trust, serving, forgiving, gracious, encouraging, always believing and seeking for the best, patient, and kind.
The problem with this definition is the simple fact that this is not how I have experienced love. When I think of love, I think of pain, suffering, betrayal, judgment, blame, manipulation, condemnation, fault finding, blaming, lying, conditions, selfishness, hidden agendas, expectations, and requirements.
How often have I hoped beyond hope, beyond reason that I would find a love that does not meet my expectations, a love that contradicts all I have previously experienced,? But, this only leads to greater disappointment.
Each time love disappoints me, I long to forgive, to forget, and to move on. Why is it not possible? Why do feelings of rage, disgust, and anger rush through my veins with just the simple thought or mention of the various relationships that have failed me over the years? I have concluded that anyone I trust to love me, will eventually betray me and leave me once again all alone to fend for myself. And, yes, God, that includes you!
Supposedly, Jesus forgave Judas and loved him despite his betrayal. He is said to have loved his disciples even though they abandoned him and left him to face the unthinkable all alone. That is strength I fear I will never have, grace I am afraid I will never possess.
When I am honest with myself, I know that my attempts to love others have been just as imperfect as their attempts at loving me. Then, I realize that finding the strength to love and forgive myself is impossible, so how can I ever dare to hope that I can find the ability to love and forgive someone else when I can’t even do it for myself?